Lost

I have made tremendous strides in these past few months. I have gotten to a point where I don't need to write as much as I used to because I have finally broke free and escaped the constant need to keep my mind busy to avoid the negativity and darkness I have let cloud my life for so long. I finally thought I was OK. However, I am still a work in progress. There is no "cure" for mental health. It's a daily struggle. For all the time this pandemic has given me to reflect and work on my mental health, the same can be true for the time it has given me to let my mind wander. Times are tough and nothing is certain. I may never return to my old job, which since it has been taken away from me I finally realized how much I actually love it. All I want to do is go back. I have applied to hundreds of jobs during this time and the few phone calls I have got back, have been complete busts. Each opportunity so far, has been essentially that of a glorified telemarketer and unfortunately I not only want, but I feel like I deserve better than that. I have tried to remain upbeat throughout everything but today I am crumbling. I'm letting my mind get the best of me. Searching for a job is the absolute worst. I basically sum up who I am on a single piece of paper called a resume and hope thats its enough for one person to look at and justify supporting me financially. Every dead end phone call hurts a little more. Let's be honest, this will not be a positive blog. I'm writing to vent and let my thoughts out to the public instead of occupying space in my brain. I want to work, I just don't know what I want to do. I have made a certain amount of money during my ventures so anything less feels like it's a giant step backwards. I have sat through multiple phone calls only to be an offered a job at a third of what I used to make. It is very frustrating. I know something will eventually work itself out but in the meantime I am struggling. Fortunately I have made so much progress in my own life, that most people don't even realize the struggle that I am going through as I no longer let the negativity consume me as much as I once have. I am atleast proud of that, and I will continue to treat job applications like tinder and swipe right on everything and hope to learn more about each opportunity.
• Speaking of tinder, my dating life has been an absolute wreck. I don't even know where to begin. If you read my poem I recently posted, you would learn I have a potentially unrealistic view on love. The thing is I have found that before, it may have been lopsided at times but I have both felt and received that kind of love. As the last line says, it hurts that it won't be you. This line symbolizes how for me love just doesn't seen to work out. Every girl who I have ever liked, eventually stopped liking me if they ever did. And every girl who likes me, I tend to not like. I know I ain't shit. I'm not neccesarily attractive, I lost weight but still fat, I'm kind of a weirdo, the list can go on and on but at the end of the day, I am me and I love myself. I was in some sort of talking stage with a girl rece4th u wax cntly, and I only wanted to see her when I was drunk. She eventually realized this and we mutually without discussing it have stopped speaking to each other. The truth is when I was drunk, she sounded like a great idea so I would go visit her late at night and see what was good. When I was sober, I didn't even want to speak to her. She was a good girl, I just didnt treat her right. She deserved better so I vanished because I knew I couldnt provide that. I met another girl, we had a hilarious back story of how we actually met many years ago and I didn't realize it. Apparently, she had a crush on me when I was working and she was a customer. Now we finally met and at first we clicked, what an awesome story to tell our future kids. However when we finally met, I didn't feel that spark that I was searching for. No true excitement from kissing to foreplay to well you know the rest. There was no spark. Staring at the back of her head at 3 am and all I wanted to do was leave to go home. I even texted my friend to say how miserable I was. Again, she really liked me and I couldn't even make it through one evening. She deserved better so again I vanished. She wanted what I couldnt give her. I met another woman a few days later. Damn, I mean I must have a little something going on with all this game during a quarantine. Same story, she thought I was really cute and we started to hit it off. We set up a date and like the horrible person I am, I canceled. I just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to waste her time. The date was set up for late night so I'm thinking sex was on the table so give me some credit for passing that up and not using this girl. However, like a true asshole, I wasnt honest with her. When I canceled the date I blamed my anxiety and depression to hide from the truth that I just didn't like her. I feel horrible for using my mental health as a crutch and have been kinda down these past few days because of it. It was a complete dick move and I took advantage of a condition that has caused me so much trouble. I guess I thought I was "cured" and could use this to my advantage. I was wrong. I felt like shit after and still do. I say it half jokingly but like you know how you go to Walmart and see a husband and wife both well over 300 pounds with their 3 fat ass kids and they look happy as fuck! How the hell do you find that? I just want to find somebody that I can be happy with and they can be happy with me. The truth is I don't know if I can. In my mood recently, I have been listening to alot of Juice Wrld lately and sometimes he just speaks to me. "Now I'm running from her love, I'm not fast, so I'm making it worse." Every time I have the potential to be happy, I talk myself out of it. It's gotten so bad that I text my friends just to hype me up and validate my bad decisions to walk away from potential. Shout out to them for riding with me and telling me what I want to hear. I do love all of my friends and many are part of the reason why I have came as far as I have. "I'm a whole different person. It's a gift and a curse but I cannot reverse it." That line is pretty much self explanatory and I've even spoke on it before. I am a different person than I once was but those past demons will always creep their way back in. "I get high when you don't decide to answer." Like I said the girls that like me, I don't like. It's the girls that I do end up liking that end up treating me like shit, that I continue to chase after and I have no idea why. I don't do drugs like I used to so we can replace that line with drunk. There are many people in my previous life that I would reach out to and when I didn't get a response, I would begin to alter my mind and self medicate. Honestly, sometimes I really don't have a clue to what I'm doing and despite my progress I end up feeling overwhelmed because I just don't know what the new me is supposed to do, so I can slip back a little bit back into the old me. You know how the snowball effect works? Cuz I sure as fuck do and sometimes I find myself in a spot where I let so much build up that I just crack. And well, here we are. Dating has always been a super sensitive spot for me because I guess basically at the end of the day I just don't know how. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life in regards to this. I've let hundreds of good girls walk right out of my life and focused on a select few which all didn't work out. I mean shit, I had a good friend who I just hinted at that I might actually like her and that was enough for her to throw away years of friendship and never speak to me again. Needless to say, I probably didn't handle the situation well and have now realized I will probably never have the opportunity to ever speak to her again. I'm tired of fucking shit up. I've lost so many friends, both male and female, because of my own stupidity and it fucking hurts. I keep a tight knit group of friends so everyone that I lose take its toll. I feel like I have another friend who is in the same boat and will be exiting my life very soon. He has been my friend for over 10 years ago and I feel it slipping. The thing is I do care and don't want this to happen but I can't find the words to say with the fear of anything I say will make it worse for one or both parties involved. The honest facts are right now I am struggling, I'm feeling a certain type of way, I want to please everyone but for so long it took me sacrificing my own needs to do so. This whole shit is so new to me and I don't always know how to act. I'm working on it. A part of me is worried that the people I lost have left me prematurely, be it friends or potential suitors, and havent been blessed to meet the new and improved me, but the other part still worries about this so it causes me to slip back into my old ways. I'm sorry to the girl I only texted when I was drunk, sorry to the girl I essentially hit it and quit it, sorry to the girl I canceled on, and sorry to the friendships I have ruined. The truth is, to every person I fucked over, it affects me more than it does you. I file all this shit into my brain and stockpile it until eventually the hard drive of my brain crashes. Today is that day. I needed to vent. I am no longer suicidal. I am OK. I still have my issues and I still live at home in a very uncomfortable situation so this blog is my safe place. If you are reading this, awesome. If not, atleast I was able to get it out. Today is a rough day. Tomorrow doesn't have to be. I'm still figuring life out and if I seem lost, its only because this is the first time I have ever been in this place. In the past, days like today would break me and I'd look for a permanent exit plan. Today is just a bad day. Tomorrow doesn't have to be. I have no place of my own, no job, not even sure if I still have health insurance, a rocky relationship with my parents, and an absolutely horrendous love life, but I'm ok. I will be ok. I am a whole different person. It really is a gift and a curse. I know I can't reverse it. It is who I am now. Maybe life will never work itself out the way I hope it does, but I'm excited to see where it takes me and most importantly I WANT to see where it takes me. I am not giving up. I am still living and doing my fucking best to get better. At the end of the day, I dont have much but what I do have is irreplaceable. Again, today is a bad day, but tomorrow doesn't have to be.