Lost

I have made tremendous strides in these past few months. I have gotten to a point where I don't need to write as much as I used to because I have finally broke free and escaped the constant need to keep my mind busy to avoid the negativity and darkness I have let cloud my life for so long. I finally thought I was OK. However, I am still a work in progress. There is no "cure" for mental health. It's a daily struggle.

Love

I want that real love,

That cant explain the way it make me feel love

That can’t want to be home love,

That stay up til 4 am talking on the phone love

That need nobody else love,

That I can feel comfortable and be my real self love

That get me high love,

That every time we kiss I feel that butterfly love

That take away my breath love,

That I miss you already the second that you left love

That she’s the one love,

That I want to make her my wife, and have my son love

That first crush love,

That every time she compliments me, I still blush love

That holding hands love,

That "Oh My God! I can’t believe I’m actually her man" love

That no more tears love,

That still in the honeymoon phase, but it’s been 50 years love

That all eternal love,

That write my name in hearts over and over in your journal love,

That real love,

That make me want to buy a ring and get down and kneel love

I want that, I really do…

The only thing that hurts, is that it will never be with you.

EGO

As the old adage goes, today i went for a walk to clear my head.  This wasn't just any normal walk though, I took advantage of my current situation and took a hike throughout an absolutely stunning State Park that covers 2,546 acres of some of the most beautiful landscapes this city boy has ever had the privilege of seeing.  I climbed, sweated, and even slipped in mud as I traveled through this carved out piece of nature.  I mostly stayed along the trail but as is life, I few times I did go off the path and found my own way along the journey.  Just like like.

MASKS

Masks

Staring at these four walls, I'm losing my mind.

I'm losing reality; the concept of time

I lost my job, I have no place to be

Just left stuck with the demons inside of me

ACCOUNTABILITY

Why do I write? I can see the numbers and truth be told there aren't a lot of people reading this.  No knock on anybody who is, but I know this isn't must read material that I am spewing.  If you are reading, thank you.  If I have helped you in anyway I'm super pumped! That's awesome, but today, between my 90 minute bike ride and hour long yoga session, I began to gather clarity.  I need to write for me.  Just like everything in my life, I need to do it for myself.  I need to continue this exercise so that I can hold myself accountable for my actions.  These past few days have been a true mixed bag of emotions...

BIRTHDAY

Depression is stuck thinking about your past experiences, and thus not allowing things to ever get better.  Anxiety is when you are always worrying about the future and the what if, and tends to cloud your mind constantly.  Life takes place in the now and that's the best way you can live it.  I've adopted meditation, yoga, and a multitude of zen principles in my life.  My mind has never been clearer.  My mind has allowed me to begin to transform my body into what it could be, what it should be.  My mind and body transformational progress I am making has allowed my soul to become pure.  I am happy.  I've lost 20 pounds in the past few weeks and overall feel great! I have struggled with my attempts at quitting smoking but I am ready to give it another go and make sure this time it sticks for good.  I have indulged in a few alcoholic beverages recently, but I am only drinking about once-twice a week, which is a HUGE improvement seeing as not that long ago I drank myself to sleep every night.  Life cannot be better right now.  I have no complaints.  I am at peace.  I am at one with myself.

DEPTH

After my most recent therapy session (SHOUT TO MY THERAPIST IF YOU'RE READING!!), she left me with a word, like she has been doing lately and that initially inspired this blog.  My word at the end of this session was depth.  Well, let's get fucking deep...

SETBACKS

"Setbacks in life are opportunities

to perform at a new level."

                                            - William Cranch Bond

I fucked up.  Let's get that out of the way.  Despite my best efforts, I crumbled and I gave in to temptation.  I allowed myself to slip into my old ways.  The demons inside my head got the best of me. 

PODCAST

My podcast is now up! Listen to it here!

For my first podcast, I just read my post "Freedom." I figure a lot of people are busy and don't always have the time to read my long winded entries, so here's an option that you can just listen, whether it's on your commute, your exercising, or just relaxing.

Let me know if you would like to see me read more of my blog entries or tackle other topics.  Any and all suggestions are encouraged.  Message me personally, or drop your suggestions in the comments.

Until next time...

DIET

Not to toot my own horn but "Toot! Toot! Motherfuckers!!"  I'm kind of killing this new lifestyle.  My mind has never been clearer.  Through a combination of therapy, blogging, and just tired of being sad as fuck all the time, my mind has never been clearer.  In a world right now full of confusion, I am kind of thriving and devoting any extra time I have into something positive.  I've found hobbies including cycling and drawing.  I'm not the fastest on my bike and i'm not the best artist either, but goddamnit do i enjoy both.  My art is real, its raw, and it speaks to me so hopefully it speaks to you as well.  Again, I'm taking this time to better myself in all ways possible.  What's next for me on this journey? A diet.  I have more than a few pounds I can afford to lose, and again before I did not care about what I put into my body.  When everything else had brought me down, I found food to be a comfort.  I ate junk because of the temporary satisfaction it gave me.  For those 15 minutes, I stuffed my face with chicken wings, cheese fries, and whatever other garbage I could get my stubby little fingers around and shove down my gullet, just to not think about the piece of shit I was.  Well as I said in an earlier post, you are what you eat, so I ate nothing but garbage so I felt like garbage.  I was garbage, but I don't have to be, and for the first time in a long time, I no longer feel like I am trash.  I have something to offer not only this world. but something to offer myself as well.

HAPPY EASTER

HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!

I hope everybody is having an awesome holiday, and for those of you with children, I hope you were still able to participate in family traditions such as egg dying and a basket full of candy! Although Easter dinner may not be as crowded as it has been in the past due to social distancing and quarantining procedures, look at the positives.  Whenever the world opens again and life can resume, that will make each and every holiday that much more special among family in the future.  Also, more ham for today!!! Enjoy your day, eat the shit out of some Reese's eggs, and make the best out of whatever circumstance you are faced with!

CELEBRATION

I have written so much about my past, negative experiences.  I have written so much about moving on, letting go, and my hoping to keep becoming better.  I have written so much about both the past and the future, but today i would like to live in the moment.  Today's blog entry will be about the present.  The present really can be a present.

My therapy session a few days ago left me with the world "Celebration." Usually I like to write about my word the day I get it.  Usually the word strikes a nerve with me and I am able to write about it for hours.  However, this word was different.  The word has such a positive connotation that even in my new found, upbeat, happy as fuck attitude I've adopted, it was still a tough word for me to write about.  I've always been hard on myself, I've found it weird when others were happy for me, maybe it was only because I wasn't happy for myself, like ever.  Just recently, when having a conversation with a friend who said she was proud of me, was I able to actually accept that for the first time in my life.  I used to think that was such a weird AF statement to tell someone, like what exactly is there to be proud of.  Again, this was because I wasn't proud of myself.  Now, when i was told this, it actually felt good to hear.  And that is a reason to celebrate!

#BIGMOVES

Hey all!
I will be writing another entry here soon regarding the important stuff but i did want to take the time to say a few things.
First and foremost, thank you to everybody who has taken the time out of their day to read this blog.  It has been a learning experience for me writing this so I hope you enjoy reading it just even a fraction of how much I enjoy writing it!
I am still being hosted by Google's awesome Blogger service but I do have my own domain name now for easy access.  This blog is now on www.happinessisamindset.com
Also, there is a link section at the top, pointing you to my personal Instagram, Facebook, Podcast (COMING SOON), and the most exciting of all of this, the official HIAM STORE.  Thanks again to all of those who have already ordered some new swag.  I really do appreciate it!!

Last but not least, if you look to the right of the new lay-out, you will see some links for coping skills, further readings, past blog entries, as well as the option to enter an e-mail to follow this blog.  Any help is a huge help so please keep on reading!!

Also, what does everybody think about the new color changes? I realized it seemed kind of odd to be writing all this positive shit and posting it on such a dark, colorless blackground!

Stay tuned! More coming soon!!

APOLOGIES

If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times, letting go is the only way I can truly move forward. The past is behind me and there is no changing it. What happened, happened, and goddamnit did some, well a lot of it, suck major ass.  There’s no other way to say it.  However, it only sucked half as hard as I think it did because of my mindset.  I was a prisoner of my own thoughts, my own pessimism, my “don’t give a fuck” attitude, and it was all a creation of my own.  Happiness, after all, is a mindset.

TRIGGERS

Since I started this blog, when I wrote about a topic I had a clear understanding of what I wanted to say. My mind was already made up as I wanted to better myself, and I started with a positive energy and throughout the duration of writing my mind became even clearer. Today’s entry is actually the complete opposite of that but I hope to find an answer by the end of this and unlike prior entries any feedback is actually helpful as I am asking for help, be it coping mechanisms, suggestions, further readings or etc.  I hope by getting this off my chest I can continue my trek forward but today feels like an uphill climb. I am still writing this from a good place, my attitude still remains upbeat and positive and I hope this exercise furthers these feelings.

#QUITSMOKING

This entry will be short and sweet.  I just wanna use this blog to hold me accountable. I AM QUITTING SMOKING AND THIS TIME I AM FOR REAL. 

until next time ✌

CREATIVITY

"I'm just trying to spread positive vibes in a world clouded by darkness"

Today, in therapy, the word I was given at the end of my session was "Creativity."  This particular word resonated strongly with me as lately, I've been trying to explore my artistic side. I tried painting, and although I loved the concept of my piece, the brushwork and overall technique more than left something to be desired. Ditto for my drawing tonight. Sadly again, the vision of my artistic piece in my mind did not necessarily translate to canvas as I hoped.

PAINTING

A lot of people told me that I need to find a hobby and they've said it even more now during this quarantine. And as many times as I've asked, drinking, unfortunately does not count as a hobby!

Well the one thing we all have on our hands right now is time. So I picked up some art supplies and tried my hand at painting. My life right now is all about discovery, trying new things, and expressing myself. Well judging by the final product I created, it's safe to say that I am not the world's next Vincent van Gogh.  However, I will not let it get me down, I'll just keep trying new things until I find what makes me happy! Truth be told, the hour I spent "painting" was definitely a nice escape from the craziness we are all going through right now. However, I do want to take this time to explain the message my painting was trying to portray.

WEEKEND

During this time, the days have blended together. I was reminded that today was Friday only because I had to get my paycheck. Last weekend, I broke. I found it as an excuse to let my problem with alcohol run wild. I will not drink by myself again this weekend. I will not.

For the first time, I've recently discovered how amazing life can be. I drank to rid myself of my problems and only created more. I initially did not take this pandemic serious and viewed it as nothing more than a built in excuse for people to avoid me. Lives have been lost, countless others are ill. This situation is bigger than me and I understand it now. I wish everybody the best! 

If you are reading this and have some time to kill during this quarantine, please read my last post and let me know what you think. 

I am getting better but can only take it one day at a time.

FREEDOM

Today at the end of my therapy session, my therapist reached into a box and pulled out a random word. The word I received was “FREEDOM”. No more was said, other than she asked me to think about what it meant to me. During this quarantine, time is one thing I do have on my side. Instead of viewing it as a negative like I always tend to do, I want to find the positive in something for once. I haven’t truly sat down to write since my college days so please ignore any discrepancies you may find in my current outdated writing style. I do however, want to use this time to express everything that has been racing through my mind for the past few days, weeks, months, hell let’s be honest, years.

INTRO

Hey world! I've never blogged before but during this pandemic we are in right now, I figured I'd have some extra time on my hands so it might be a good time to start.

I have already typed something I want to share, so feel free to follow, comment, whatever it is the bloggers do while I'll go on this journey to discover the meaning of happiness for me.