REFLECTIONS

 

"And to all the people who ain't like me, I ain't like me either"

Holy shit! Time fucking flies.  Exactly one year ago today, I was at the lowest point of my life.  The closest I ever was to taking my own life.  Life had lost its purpose and in the midst of a pandemic, I was watching everything crumble around me.  My future looked bleak.  Days were not getting any better.  I felt as if I was all alone.  People, who I essentially harassed to try to make any attempt to ensure my own well being despite being in complete regards to theirs, had given up on me.  I gave up on myself a long time before that and continued to spiral downward with no regards to the people around me as well as myself.  I was searching for outside happiness when I could not maintain it within.  I looked for any light and just hung on to the idea of any potential glimpse of normalcy that I had thought I could achieve.  Then i finally learned that it's ok to not be ok.

CELEBRATION

I have written so much about my past, negative experiences.  I have written so much about moving on, letting go, and my hoping to keep becoming better.  I have written so much about both the past and the future, but today i would like to live in the moment.  Today's blog entry will be about the present.  The present really can be a present.

My therapy session a few days ago left me with the world "Celebration." Usually I like to write about my word the day I get it.  Usually the word strikes a nerve with me and I am able to write about it for hours.  However, this word was different.  The word has such a positive connotation that even in my new found, upbeat, happy as fuck attitude I've adopted, it was still a tough word for me to write about.  I've always been hard on myself, I've found it weird when others were happy for me, maybe it was only because I wasn't happy for myself, like ever.  Just recently, when having a conversation with a friend who said she was proud of me, was I able to actually accept that for the first time in my life.  I used to think that was such a weird AF statement to tell someone, like what exactly is there to be proud of.  Again, this was because I wasn't proud of myself.  Now, when i was told this, it actually felt good to hear.  And that is a reason to celebrate!

FREEDOM

Today at the end of my therapy session, my therapist reached into a box and pulled out a random word. The word I received was “FREEDOM”. No more was said, other than she asked me to think about what it meant to me. During this quarantine, time is one thing I do have on my side. Instead of viewing it as a negative like I always tend to do, I want to find the positive in something for once. I haven’t truly sat down to write since my college days so please ignore any discrepancies you may find in my current outdated writing style. I do however, want to use this time to express everything that has been racing through my mind for the past few days, weeks, months, hell let’s be honest, years.