REFLECTIONS

 

"And to all the people who ain't like me, I ain't like me either"

Holy shit! Time fucking flies.  Exactly one year ago today, I was at the lowest point of my life.  The closest I ever was to taking my own life.  Life had lost its purpose and in the midst of a pandemic, I was watching everything crumble around me.  My future looked bleak.  Days were not getting any better.  I felt as if I was all alone.  People, who I essentially harassed to try to make any attempt to ensure my own well being despite being in complete regards to theirs, had given up on me.  I gave up on myself a long time before that and continued to spiral downward with no regards to the people around me as well as myself.  I was searching for outside happiness when I could not maintain it within.  I looked for any light and just hung on to the idea of any potential glimpse of normalcy that I had thought I could achieve.  Then i finally learned that it's ok to not be ok.

Lost

I have made tremendous strides in these past few months. I have gotten to a point where I don't need to write as much as I used to because I have finally broke free and escaped the constant need to keep my mind busy to avoid the negativity and darkness I have let cloud my life for so long. I finally thought I was OK. However, I am still a work in progress. There is no "cure" for mental health. It's a daily struggle.

Love

I want that real love,

That cant explain the way it make me feel love

That can’t want to be home love,

That stay up til 4 am talking on the phone love

That need nobody else love,

That I can feel comfortable and be my real self love

That get me high love,

That every time we kiss I feel that butterfly love

That take away my breath love,

That I miss you already the second that you left love

That she’s the one love,

That I want to make her my wife, and have my son love

That first crush love,

That every time she compliments me, I still blush love

That holding hands love,

That "Oh My God! I can’t believe I’m actually her man" love

That no more tears love,

That still in the honeymoon phase, but it’s been 50 years love

That all eternal love,

That write my name in hearts over and over in your journal love,

That real love,

That make me want to buy a ring and get down and kneel love

I want that, I really do…

The only thing that hurts, is that it will never be with you.

EGO

As the old adage goes, today i went for a walk to clear my head.  This wasn't just any normal walk though, I took advantage of my current situation and took a hike throughout an absolutely stunning State Park that covers 2,546 acres of some of the most beautiful landscapes this city boy has ever had the privilege of seeing.  I climbed, sweated, and even slipped in mud as I traveled through this carved out piece of nature.  I mostly stayed along the trail but as is life, I few times I did go off the path and found my own way along the journey.  Just like like.

MASKS

Masks

Staring at these four walls, I'm losing my mind.

I'm losing reality; the concept of time

I lost my job, I have no place to be

Just left stuck with the demons inside of me

ACCOUNTABILITY

Why do I write? I can see the numbers and truth be told there aren't a lot of people reading this.  No knock on anybody who is, but I know this isn't must read material that I am spewing.  If you are reading, thank you.  If I have helped you in anyway I'm super pumped! That's awesome, but today, between my 90 minute bike ride and hour long yoga session, I began to gather clarity.  I need to write for me.  Just like everything in my life, I need to do it for myself.  I need to continue this exercise so that I can hold myself accountable for my actions.  These past few days have been a true mixed bag of emotions...

BIRTHDAY

Depression is stuck thinking about your past experiences, and thus not allowing things to ever get better.  Anxiety is when you are always worrying about the future and the what if, and tends to cloud your mind constantly.  Life takes place in the now and that's the best way you can live it.  I've adopted meditation, yoga, and a multitude of zen principles in my life.  My mind has never been clearer.  My mind has allowed me to begin to transform my body into what it could be, what it should be.  My mind and body transformational progress I am making has allowed my soul to become pure.  I am happy.  I've lost 20 pounds in the past few weeks and overall feel great! I have struggled with my attempts at quitting smoking but I am ready to give it another go and make sure this time it sticks for good.  I have indulged in a few alcoholic beverages recently, but I am only drinking about once-twice a week, which is a HUGE improvement seeing as not that long ago I drank myself to sleep every night.  Life cannot be better right now.  I have no complaints.  I am at peace.  I am at one with myself.