Friday. I woke up and felt amazing! My mind was clear. I might have been at an all time high of happiness. I had the day off work, I had a zoom party set up for Saturday, WWE pay per view on Sunday and then my actual birthday on Monday. Everything was going great. I busted my ass at work all week, even spent 3 days working over an hour away from my residence to try and help out anyway that I could. Hard work always feels good, and although my sales numbers didn't necessarily reflect my efforts, I was proud of the work that I had done. I was working harder than I ever had, as for the first time sales did not come easy during these times but after all this I was ready to enjoy my days off and celebrate my birthday. I even wrote a blog on Friday talking about this and how despite all the uncertainty in the world, this was the most excited I have been for a birthday in years. Everything was coming into place. This was a result of all my hard work to maintain a better attitude towards life, this law of attraction was really working. What couldn't go my way? I finished my blog, and then at 5:10 PM on that Friday, I got the email I was dreading. I was out of a job. Technically furloughed, but at this time with so many questions surrounding the bar business, I really don't know what that means. Unemployment is a nightmare right now and I know people who have been let go at the beginning of this and still have yet to receive any payment. Either way you look at it, I was out of work. My purpose to get out of bed in the morning has been taken away from me. I began to worry about losing my health insurance as I will not be able to afford my therapy out of a pocket. So many questions immediately ran through my brain at once. Regardless of the terminology, losing your job even temporarily sucks. Especially when it's on your day off and right before your birthday. I prepared myself for the possibility of this, but no matter how much you do, when you get that news, your heart immediately sinks. Everything I've worked for recently, felt like it wasn't even worth continuing to try. I felt like any time, I get in a good place, life just has to throw me a big "Fuck you." I filed for unemployment, then I picked up the phone and called a friend thinking they could help me talk through it. No answer. Felt like another "fuck you." I called a friend whom I've joked with for years about me losing my job and always said I would call when that happened. "Fuck you." No answer again. My mind was racing. Who did I have to turn to? After those two efforts went unnoticed, I gave up. I am weak. I couldn't handle another phone that just kept ringing. I felt like nobody in the world gave a fuck about me. I did what I do best. I skipped dinner and started drinking. The first drink helped cool me down. Let's do another. Even better. Finally at this time was I ok to text a few more friends just in search of a conversation. I was too weak to tell myself that I would be ok. I needed somebody else to do it. I eventually found that through a few texts, but the whiskey was going down so smooth. The later the night went, the conversations faded, just like my mental state as I poured shot after shot, beer after beer, cigarette after cigarette, blunt after blunt, until I eventually passed out, drunk on a friends couch, just like the jobless sack of shit I thought I was. The piece of shit I thought everybody thought I was. I thought I was exactly that, and had no reason to get any better.
I obviously woke up in a mood on Saturday. It was my birthday party so fuck it, I'll do whatever the hell I want tonight with no accountability. If i want to get drunk and act a fool, I'm allowed. So that's exactly what I did. I did have one friend actually pick up the phone and call me just to make sure I was doing better. That really helped my mood. I'm always a sucker for friends and it feels so good when they come through for me. I started my party on zoom gathered around a few close friends. And i drank, and boy do i mean I drank. I acted up a little bit, sent out a few texts asking if people were still signing on or coming back, but as I already said fuck it, it was my birthday and I could do whatever the hell I want. At one point, I was curious why a few friends never joined the party, but text messages the next day realized they might have actually and I was on another planet. The party was awesome, especially regarding the circumstances surrounding it, but I had a ball. I again blacked out on a friend's couch like the jobless sack of shit I was, but it was my birthday so again I was allowed to do so.
Sunday, I woke up with a hangover. That's how I knew I must be getting old (or maybe it's because despite this bender I went on, I don't drink as much as I used to.) Either way, my head was pounding. I felt like I was on death's door. Sunday was also Mother's day and as much as I love my mother, this issue with my father still has not went away so of course it made the day a little awkward. Other than that, there's really no much to talk about, as I slept in and took a few naps so the day wasn't exactly eventual. Let's move on to Monday.
My birthday sucked. Only because I let it suck. I wasn't really feeling very motivated to make it any better. I did have a tremendous outpouring of texts and Facebook messages wishing me the happiest of days so thanks again to everybody who took the time out of their day to message me. None of it mattered, I was already in a bad mood. The first text I actually got that day was about meeting tomorrow to turn in my work computer. Needless to say, I wasn't off to a good start. It wasn't a matter of if I was drinking, but when. I eventually rolled out of bed around noon, made some pizza rolls in the microwave like the loser that I thought I was and cracked my first beer open at around 1:30. Again, it was the same path of destruction that I have done for so long of my life. shot, beer, shot, beer, repeat. This process kept up until around 5 pm when I blacked out and went to bed. I woke up about 8 and started right back up. This time I think I made it to about half past midnight before I blacked out for the second time of the day. I was drunk. I was alone. It didn't really feel like my birthday but instead just any other day in my prior life. I shut down any text that sniffed at the feeling of happy and let myself sulk. I made friends feel as if everything they have done for me wasn't enough. I texted old friends who have since soured on me in my drunken rage hoping that it would garnish a response. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anybody. All I needed and all I'll ever have is a bottle of tequila and a fresh 30 rack. Alcohol will make me feel like my life doesn't suck and my world isn't crumbling down around me. What was the point of even trying if I'm always going to slip back into this dark of place? Again, I had no accountability of myself and made whatever the hell decision I felt like making while under the influence no matter how much harm it could cause others, but mostly how much harm it could cause me. I was blaming everybody and everything around me for any thing not exactly perfect in my life. I went on a social media rant bitching about all of this. Typically, when I did this in the past, I would delete those posts in the morning, again other than the few who saw it between the hours of 2 am and 8 am, I was in the clear, hence no accountability. I was slipping back into my old ways, pre-therapy, and it felt good. It felt good because it was easy. It's easy for me to say fuck everything and slip into the comforting touch of a bottle. It's easy to give up, it takes hard fucking work to keep going when the cards are stacked against you. I'm not a religious person by anymeans, but those who believe always preach nobody is given more than they can handle. Nothing that is worth while will ever come easy.
I awoke from my black out on Tuesday morning, ready to turn in my computer with all of intentions of starting to drink as soon as I got back home. Turning in my computer and meeting with fellow now former coworkers was just a reminder that I was out of work. I was a jobless sack of shit. I came home around noon with 2 fresh packs of cigarettes and a case of beer. Fuck it, this is what my life is now. That's how it felt until I saw a package on my front porch. I went on a bit of an amazon shopping spree during quarantine like most of us, but I wasn't expecting anything today. What could it be? I saw the note on the shipping label saying there was a card in the packing slip. I opened the slip and saw it was a birthday card! It had the names of 2 of my friends who have always been very supportive of me but I would never have expected a gift from them. I was so fucking touched. I'm tearing up just typing this right now. They always say with gift giving that it's the thought that counts and this could have never been more true. I didn't give a damn what was inside that box, just the fact that these two people cared about me enough to get me a birthday present was unbelievable. This also happened before I lost my job, so I know they did it just in celebration of my birthday. I eventually opened up the box after reading the card about 10 times and inside was a super duper awesome gift basket. It was perfect. It was exactly what I needed. That one gift changed my entire fucking mood and had me slowly starting to get back to that better place I was just a few days ago. I immediately texted both of them thanking them for the amazing present. I explained how much it meant to me and the timing was perfect. I needed a pick me up. I texted each one of them probably about 20 times just to say thanks again. I didn't need to drink alone today. The present showed me that I was wrong and there are people out there in my corner, people who for some reason actually give a fuck about me. It was time I cancel the pity party and start giving a fuck about me again! If other people can do it, so can I. I'll be honest, I did meet up with a few friends later that day and had a few drinks and may have indulged in something from the earth that will always help your mood despite what some people may say. Hint: it's not a fucking drug and reeks tons of medical benefits. However, that was indulging, I don't need to drink everyday, but mostly my problems arise when I drink alone. Any time I am able to have a few adult beverages with my friends I will never turn it down. It's therapeutic, hell you can even call it fellowship. I only mention this because on Tuesday night when I had a few beers with friends, I was drinking from a good place. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, forget about life's problems, I was drinking to spend time with people who love me. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I didn't come home that morning to quite honestly, the best gift I have ever got. The symbolism and timing of the gift basket significantly outweigh the actually items in the gift basket. (FYI the 4 boxes of snacks I ate yesterday were all delicious!!)
Then we get to today. I haven't had a drink today. I got back on my diet. I went for a bike ride and did yoga. I'm getting back on track. I had a cancellation of plans, actually two, but I didn't let it get to me. My negative vibrations I have thrown in the world over the past weekend are probably the reason for that. Quite frankly, I'm nothing short of a work in progress. I will have bad days, I will face derailments, sometimes more than I think I can handle, but that's not true. Whatever life wants to throw at me, I'm ready to knock it out of the park. If need be, down 2 strikes, I can't be afraid to choke up and try to make contact. The point is I have lots more in my life to live for then I do not. I don't always see it but that's not anybody's fault but my own. I have amazing people in my life and although they aren't always there when I go off on a rant, they are really always there. I need to do better than that. The truth is, I'm fucking needy. I've spent so much of my life feeling like a stray cat desperate for anybody to offer me food and water, sometimes I think I just know no other way to act. People are going through their own shit everyday and I need to do better to understand that. As I've mentioned on this blog since day 1, no relationships in my life will ever be able to truly thrive until I am happy with myself. I need to step out into the world the best version of me that I can be. I need to be happy for me and let the chips fall into place as they may. I cannot worry about those who decided that their life without me was better. I can't focus on the good times that were had and hope to reconnect one of these days, because every time I go against my better judgement and extend that olive branch, I'm just making it weaker. I can also only reach so far until I myself fall, and clearly this weekend, I realized exactly how easy that is. Saying fuck it is one of the easiest things I can do. Picking myself up after I fall and getting back on track is a lot tougher but so much more rewarding. I am still figuring out this game of life, but I'm trying. Sure I fucked up, but I could either continue down that path or get back on my journey. Yes, I lost my job, I spent my birthday in quarantine, I don't know how I'll pay for therapy after the end of the month, but the point that I'm making is simple. With everything that life has hit me with, I was faced with a fork in the road. It's not a lie, I did take the wrong turn but now I am making a U-turn (cue GPS: "recalculating..") and get back on the right track that I am destined to be. I may be out of work, but I will eventually be brought back or find something else. Stay at home orders will eventually be lifted and I can get back out in the real world and socialize. My friend will eventually go on a bike ride with me and she's up to like 40 miles now. Just kidding. Any bad thing that comes my way, is just an opportunity for me to further practice my coping skills, my mediation, and my zen philosophies. The only thing that will ever be in my way from achieving this is me. Life will only be what I make it.
And seriously, for everybody who wished me a happy birthday, attended my zoom party, or reached out to me in any capacity during all of this, thank you so much! I love you!
and if I was a dick during any of this, I'm sorry. I love you too though!
You all have saved my life many times.
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