However, every year for most of my life, my birthday has always been a trigger for me. I've always expected big grand elaborate celebrations and was always left disappointed. This year my birthday falls on a Monday. This year my birthday falls during a world wide pandemic that has resulted in what seems to be a never ending quarantine. This year my birthday is set up to be nothing but a disaster. Guess what? I don't care. I am not the same person I once was during those past attempts. I am not the same person I was just a few short weeks ago. Hell, I am not the same person I was yesterday as I am constantly changing, evolving, getting better. As I have touched upon in prior entries, years prior, I ignored the people who came together to celebrate my life, and only worried about the ones who did not. I was left with the same questions I always thought, "why don't people like me?" Again, I didn't like myself so why did it matter if people did or did not like me. My birthday before was always a trigger that set me off on a path of self-destruction that lasted for a year, until the next birthday where it became even worse. I was slipping. I was falling into a deep dark hole that honestly, at many times I thought I could not escape from. Well I scratched and clawed my way out of that darkness and am walking down a newly discovered, brightly lit path. I am having a virtual party on Zoom this Saturday and as I recently just told a friend via text, I do not know whether to expect just a handful of logins, or hundreds. I have no clue. Typically, this would drive my anxiety through the roof and I would be so worried about my party possibly being a dud. This year is different. This year I realize that whoever joins in, be it just a few or many, are the exact people who should. These are the people who I should rejoice that took time out of their day to celebrate me. The ones who cannot, just simply cannot. Maybe they are busy, maybe they just want a relaxing evening, quite frankly maybe they just don't give a fuck about me, the reason itself does not matter. I have no ill will towards any of those who can't. Everything happens for a reason. The people who can make it, again, are the people who are SUPPOSED to be there for whatever the reasoning might be, but again I have become a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. The biggest difference is in the past I let these things get to me, eat me up. I didn't take the time to live in the moment and celebrate with those who were right there, instead worrying about others. This year is different. I finally realize my errors from the past and have a brand new set of coping tools to deal with any negative that life throws me my way. If you are reading this and attend my zoom party, we are going to have a fuckin' ball! If you can't, no worries at all.
"Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it."
- Lou Holtz
My new principals have allowed me to truly believe that if I take some time to take care of myself for a change, everything else falls into place. I have been reading about the Law of Attraction and truly believe the vibrations I am sending out in the world, are truly the best ones I've ever sent. I spent so much life concerned on things I could not change, but instead have finally been able to start living in the 90. I can do anything I put my mind too. I should be opened for good things to happen and not just consistently expect the worst. Even when something troubling comes along, I can now deal with it. I am seeing the world through a whole new set of eyes. Any negativity that comes my way can now be used to my advantage. I can use it as an opportunity to better myself. Mostly I can use it as a learning experience. Previously, I broke when I didn't get my way. I went down that dark road I've talked about, but then I didn't know why I did the things I do. I gave up. I didn't have a will to live. I needed others to give me any resemblance of my own happiness. It wasn't until I realized that Happiness Is A Mindset (shameless plug, I know) that I was able to finally feel happy with myself. A few days ago, I had a bike ride scheduled with a friend, we went back and forth for a few weeks and finally picked a day. I was excited. No matter how much I preach about being content with your own self, everybody still enjoys the company of good friends. Unfortunately, those plans were cancelled last minute. In my past, I would say "fuck it all," crack open a beer, take a shot, and just cut myself off from the world for the remainder of the day, week, month, who knows how long. Instead, I used this cancellation as a learning experience. I knew how I felt when it was cancelled, but i stopped myself, took a deep breath and came up with a contingency plan. I wanted to go for a bike ride, so why wouldn't I still go for a bike ride? If i want to do something, I should do it, even if I have to do it by myself. She had a valid reasoning (stuck at work so there's really nothing I can do about that) but regardless, why should I let others stop me from doing want I want to do. I still hopped on my bike and went for a ride. Honestly, maybe it was even better to go about this on my own. I was able to ride at my own pace. I was able to ride as long as I wanted. I was able to be alone. This was a different reaction for me than I have ever had before. I loved it. The next morning I posted on my Facebook "Not that long ago, all I wanted to do was kill myself. The scariest place in the world for me was alone with my own thoughts. Today, I want to live. Now, being alone with my thoughts is the safest place I can be." I even thanked her for cancelling because it taught me so much. It gave me the chance to try a new way to cope. I didn't need to pout. I didn't need to find a last minute replacement. I just needed to do exactly what I was supposed to do with exactly who I was supposed to be. That particular bike ride was intended for me to ride on my own. We will reschedule and I will hold a grudge. We are going to ride for 20 miles to make up for it! Haha.
I've not only been more adapt at dealing with adversity, but I now welcome it! Every obstacle I am faced with, gives me an opportunity to continue to work on myself. It gives me another chance to live in the 90. The longer these stay at home orders last, the more and more my job is at jeopardy. Originally, that drove me crazy. It escalated my anxiety to an all time high. Nobody likes to get fired. Nobody. Granted, some days you just want to say "fuck it" but if I am going to lose my job, I am not going to go down without a fight. If I have a few days left or a few weeks, I will be the best employee I can be. I'm going down swinging. If I do lose my job, I will land on my feet. I will recover and will come out of this stronger than ever. If I do not lose my job, you can best believe I'm making up for lost time and will be the best goddamn salesman you ever saw. Shit will be lit! Trust me on that, no matter where I end up, I will be just fine. Hell, better than fine, I will be the motherfucking rock star I've always been destined to be. Bring it on world. I can take anything you throw at me.
As I said before, not everything is fucking sunshine and goddamn rainbows, but it can be. There is a positive to be found somewhere in every experience that comes your way. It may not always necessarily be a big win, but that is irrelevant. Even if you need triple overtime to sneak out a 1 point victory, a win is a win. Take that W and celebrate it like you just won the Super Bowl! If you lose your job, you will get a better one. If you think you won't, you won't. If you think you will, you will. There is nothing you cannot do. You will land on your feet. No matter what. Anything that comes your way is honestly not the end of the world. It's just a page turning for you to start a new chapter. I'll be honest, as I've touched upon a multitude of times, I've lost more than a few friends in my lifetime over my actions. Again, that person that was, no longer is. It does me no good to be sad about it. I'll say it one more time, the people in your life are the people who are supposed to be in your life. I've lost friends and tried to make ammends, many times to no avail, other times it has worked. Sometimes, that friendship is over, sometimes, they just need more time. I can't control their timeline. They own their own life. All i can do, and have done is, is learned from the experience. I've realized I drank too much. I said way too many things without thinking. I took them for granted, while also feeling as if they were the only thing I had. I was not happy with myself so I attached myself to them every waking minute in an effort to alleviate myself from my own issues. I've put them into many unfair situations until the fragile relationship finally broke. I was sad and always thought about that. It consumed my very existence. I finally have let go. They were in my life when they were supposed to be, just the same they will come back when and/or if they are supposed to. Even though, they may no longer be in my life, I can still take the lessons I've learned from them in my effort to continue to grow. I had friends who were my best friends and I hung out with every day and haven't spoken to in years, and that's OK. I learned the mistakes I made and will not make those same mistakes again in the future. I am not that same person I was and chances are neither are they. I had a friend who half jokingly invited me to yoga classes with her, and I never went. Now, look who started to take up yoga. I do feel remorse for the troubles I may have put her through, I cannot dwell on it. I may have burned that bridge, but I can take the lessons I learned along the way and continue to make an effort to become a better me like I always wanted to do. I am grateful for everything these people have taught me, showed me, and done for me. Even if they are no longer a part of my life, the lessons learned can still be applied in my daily life. For a plethora of reasons, these people are no longer in my life because they are not supposed to be. One more time, I am not that same person that I was once I went and fucked everything up. I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. Clarity is a hell of a thing to finally have in my life. I'm still sending out positive vibes to each and every one of them because they do deserve nothing but the best. Each one of them represents different phases of my life and have helped me get to where I am at now in my life. I am now becoming a butterfly, if only that butterfly took close to 33 years to become from a caterpillar into a never ending downward spiral drunken cocoon. Regardless of the length of the process, I am finally getting it. Even though, they may not be along with me during my journey, it's my time to fly.
I wanted to save the best for last, as I mentioned earlier, I always spent so much time worrying about those who weren't there, I didn't always appreciate the people who were. It's time to celebrate these people. Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the amount of support I have gotten from so many of you. Some friends, old friends, and even strangers. I appreciate each and every single one of you. For each person who likes a social media post where I brag about losing another 5 pounds, thank you! For everybody who is actually excited about a Tiger King themed party on zoom, thank you! For the people who text me, read this blog, or whatever connection we may have, thank you! For the people who have invited me into their house during these times, thank you. For the people who take time out of their day to tell me that they are proud of me or happy for me, thank you. For so long, those phrases always weirded me out because I wasn't proud of myself, I wasn't happy for myself, but times have changed and I am proud of myself, I am happy for myself. The people in my life at this very moment are exactly the ones who are supposed to be. That number might be different yesterday than it will be tomorrow, but that's perfectly ok. The only thing that matters is the NOW. I no longer will worry about the what was, the what might be, the who was, and the who might. If you are reading this right now, stop! Give yourself a pat on the back because no matter what you deserve it. Thank you! I realize all my friends are awesome because people are awesome. Life is awesome! As cliche as this sounds, we are all in this together. I am happy that I am in this with you. Love is life. Love is all around us. We only see what we want to see, hear what we want to be, we only are what we want to be. This is the stage of my life that I am supposed to be in right now and again I'll scream it, IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT!!!! My life will never be measured in "likes" but as opposed to just random likes, I truly do believe every person that likes any post of mine truly does like it from a much deeper perspective than they will when they like my photos when this diet shit has me posting shirtless selfies! In all honestly though, I do want to say thank you to each and everyone of you for being in my life. My days of feeling alone, filled with despair, and no will to live are long gone. I want to be an inspiration, even if its for nobody but myself!
Wherever you want to be, you are in the perfect position to get there!
I'm just trying to spread positive vibes in a world clouded by darkness...
Namaste
p.s. happy birthday texts, messages, comments, and likes are always appreciated!!
p.s.s. I just got furloughed about a minute after initially posting this...
No comments:
Post a Comment