EGO

As the old adage goes, today i went for a walk to clear my head.  This wasn't just any normal walk though, I took advantage of my current situation and took a hike throughout an absolutely stunning State Park that covers 2,546 acres of some of the most beautiful landscapes this city boy has ever had the privilege of seeing.  I climbed, sweated, and even slipped in mud as I traveled through this carved out piece of nature.  I mostly stayed along the trail but as is life, I few times I did go off the path and found my own way along the journey.  Just like like.
I did not wake up today expecting to go hiking.  I've never done it before and never really had any intentions to do so.  I been going through a bit of a rough patch lately and was slowly resorting to slipping back into the dark that I fought so hard to finally free myself from.  I was going back to constantly reaching out for external sources to find happiness and losing it within myself.  I was lacking my inner peace and was slowly letting pesky Mr. Ego work his way back into my life.  I was no longer doing the things that allowed me to come as far as I have, instead I was looking for constant communication from friends, face to face interactions, activities planned, I was becoming the person I used to be.  I was asking for things that are honestly probably not possible from anybody let alone anybody else in a position that differs from mine.  I understood why people were busy, but I didn't comprehend it.  After cancelled plans, or texts with no response, I was giving up.  Fuck it, I tried to be productive today.  It's 2:30 in the afternoon and it sounds like a great time to start drinking for the day.  I told myself today is a slip, I'll get back on track tomorrow.  Well when you wake up hungover as shit (it happens now that I'm getting old) you kind of lose the desire to be productive.  When that feeling finally passes, the day is kinda shot so guess what? Time to start drinking and repeat this vicious cycle.  Send out a few texts looking to hang, swipe right on a few girls on Tinder.. no luck, fuck it, tequila time! I've been that annoying dog barking at your feet for so long and ended up doing more harm than good.  I've driven away more people than I ever made stay.  The people who have stuck around are fucking incredible for putting up with me whenever J Lash comes out.  I know I've taken the long way to get here but hey I get paid by the word.  Just kidding.  Anyways, this morning in my virtual therapy session, my therapist recommended I take advantage of the absolute gorgeous day and go on a little road trip to McConnell's Mills and take a hike.  She suggested it last meeting and I obviously haven't went yet, so at first I was like I'm not going to do that today.  But then I said fuck it, I have no job, no real responsibilities, and no place to be so why not? After charging my phone for a few hours (teleconferencing calls kills my battery and my charger sucks, well it did until now ((fun fact: if your charger is slow, good chance your port is just filled up with lint and if you take a plastic one time use flosser thingy and use the toothpick end, it cleans out your port and your phone can charge like it should,))) I decided it was time to go.
I took the roughly 45 minute drive from Pittsburgh and began my trek.  I had no clue what to expect, and at first I was like damn this sucks.  I'm just walking through some steps in the woods but once I finished that I was in front of some amazing views.  I stood in awe at the pier by the dam and was literally like "damn."  My therapist was right.  I hiked through the trails and veered off to every rock/platform/opening I could just to take in the scenery.  The water was raging but it was peaceful.  The splashes made a soothing sound and were very comforting.  I eventually found a nice rock to sit on and even did some mediation.  I let all my stress, my worries, my anxiety ran free, I was for the first time in a few weeks completely at peace.  I went up and down the trail and made my way back to my Jeep before it got too dark.  I enjoyed the hike but I'm still a city boy so I couldn't risk getting lost in the dark woods.  In all truthfulness, the hike was exactly what I needed.  It was a nice escape where I could just be by myself and be alone with my thoughts and be perfectly fine with the way everything was.  I already started to try and figure out when I could get back.  It was a perfect day and I spent it alone, not glued to my phone wondering why my Tik Tok video only has 97 views, why my Instagram post only has 4 likes, or why my friend hasn't responded to my text from 15 minutes ago yet.  I found my peace.  I was calm.  I was content.
The main point I'm making is that sometimes it's hard as shit to find happiness within yourself, but it's there.  Granted, it's soooo much easier for me to drink all night, wake up at noon, watch TV, repeat.  It takes fucking work for me to wake up motivated, do my meditation, exercise my mind and body, lay off the booze, all while doing it alone.  It really does take a lot of work, but it's worth it.  Soooo fucking worth it.  I feel as if I now know what I need to keep my shit on the right track, even if occasionally I have to take a 45 minute drive and climb through some rocks to do it. 
J Lash is everybody's favorite, but he's not mine.  J Lash is a prepackaged good time.  J Lash will hang out with you at the bar every night until 5 am.  J Lash will never say no to anything no matter how stupid or dangerous it might be.  J Lash is down for whatever.  J Lash sleeps til noon and starts drinking at 1.  J Lash is a good time but sometimes he can be too much.
Jimmy is a fun ass kid.  Jimmy is always ready to play.  Jimmy also is constantly nagging at you for attention.  Picture Stewie saying "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, etc." Hopefully you get the point.  Jimmy just wants to go to school to see all his "friends" (meaning every single soul he knows.)
James, however, James is getting his shit together.  James goes to work and fucking rocks at it.  James can go on a 30 mile bike ride, a 10 mile hike, etc.  James goes to visit his therapist because he knows he has some work to do.  James takes the advice she gives him and runs with it.  James wants to be the best damn James he can be.
When i feel this way and when 2 of the identities suck, it's sometimes tough for James to keep on thriving.  Jimmy annoys you all day to hang out, and then J Lash shows up to party until the wee hours of the morning, so sometimes James feels left out.  James needs to, no James IS stepping his shit up and taking back control.  James runs this show.  J Lash runs on ego.  Jimmy runs on ego.  James runs on 100% spirit.  James will not be bullied by the others, James will be the bully.
To summarize, finding my own peace and happiness is really hard work but the pay off is infuckincredible!!

p.s. if you haven't ever been to McConnell's Mills it's definitely worth checking out! Drop your favorite hiking spots in the comments below!