DEPTH

After my most recent therapy session (SHOUT TO MY THERAPIST IF YOU'RE READING!!), she left me with a word, like she has been doing lately and that initially inspired this blog.  My word at the end of this session was depth.  Well, let's get fucking deep...
I always like to consider myself a bit of an intellect.  Blame my anxiety, which has always led to overthinking, but I was always looking for the answer to the million dollar question of "Why?" Why is the sky blue? Why am I on this planet? Why this? Why that? Not only why don't you like me? but also, even more troubling, I was confused as to why people did like me. I hated my life.  I hated my face.  I hated the way I talked.  I hated that way I walked.  I hated that I drank all the time.  I hated that I smoked all the time.  I hated that I was lazy.  I hated everything about myself.  It wasn't until recently that I learned the only one that can change me is me.  If I think I'm fat, then go get some exercise you lazy piece of shit! All my flaws that I hated so much about myself, I realized that the only one stopping me from changing any of it was myself.  It wasn't until I learned to finally love and accept me for who I was could I finally start changing any of the things I viewed as negatives.  The most important thing is finding your own happiness.  If you are perfectly fine with your looks, weight, habits, etc. then by all means continue to live the way you are.  Hats off to you!  I was not.  I drank everyday because I viewed it as my only escape from reality.  I smoked cigarettes one after another because it helped ease my mind but most importantly, I didn't give a fuck if I lived or die.  Same with any drug usage I may or may not have done in my time.  It's also tough to get any exercise when you're either drunk or hungover all the goddamn time as well.  These are things I can change, and things that I am changing, so as promised from the beginning, it's time to get fucking deep.

First off, how awesome is the Michael Jordan documentary on ESPN right now, Last Dance? In a world with no sports right now, it's fucking great to watch.  Especially for a 30-something year old who cannot stand how soft today's game is.  This is a whole other topic so sorry that I digressed, let's get back to the topic on hand.  Anyways, in that documentary I found the Dennis Rodman stories to be the most fascinating.  I mean yes he's a larger than life character and everything he does is fucking wild, but the part I specifically want to talk about is how Rodman was when he was on the Pistons.  He was a pretty normal guy, even to a point of bland, no tattoos, no piercings, no dyed hair, just a cookie cutter of a man with a reputation for hard nosed defense and a great rebounder.  Then what did he do? He showed up to the facility with guns and was ready to kill himself.  After that incident, that's when the tattoos, piercings, and especially the hair came to fruition.  He broke free and became the Rodzilla we all know and love.  He was finally comfortable enough in his own skin to express himself any goddamn way he desired.  If you see the picture above, in a nod to Mr. Rodman himself, I bleached a streak of my beard.  It was something I always wanted to do but was afraid to.  I too, wanted to be normal, and not stick out.  I also had a suicidal break down not that long ago, and figured this was the perfect time for me to experiment.  Granted, most of my time outside is spent with a mask covering it due to Covid-19, but I still know it's there, and I love it! I finally was comfortable enough with myself that I wanted to do one small thing to change up my look.  When I look in the mirror and see it, it's a reminder that Dennis Rodman wanted to kill himself, didn't, went fucking wild, and ended up becoming a Hall of Fame basketball player.  I'm obviously about 10-15 years too old (and at least 6" too short) to start a NBA career, but I still can achieve greatness.  In what, I'm not sure yet, I'm sure I'll find it, but one thing I know for sure is that I couldn't do that if I was fucking dead.  To be truly able to express yourself in anyway, albeit big or small, you have to be comfortable enough in your own skin to do so, and I honestly can say that I finally am.  I like being James, and you should like yourself too.  You might think my beard looks dumb, or you might think it looks total bad ass! Neither one matters, because I did it for me, and me only! It's a symbol to remind me of who I used to be but more importantly, who I am becoming.  I'm not saying everybody needs to dye their hair, get tattoos, piercings, etc., but do what makes you fucking happy! Make the person you see in the mirror feel loved because they deserve it!

Isn't it crazy, how you spend so much of your life thinking you are crazy, until you finally realize you are indeed crazy, and then you realize that you're actually not crazy at all?

Think about that, read it again if you have to.  Anybody with mental health issues at some point will feel like they are crazy.  Whether or not it's all in their head, derived from the negative stigma surrounding mental health, or a plethora of other reasons, at one point or time we all felt different, felt alone, felt like we were the only ones suffering.  Well newsflash! Granted, the numbers fluctuate depending on the source you use, but on average 1 in 5, U.S. adults experience mental illness.  We are the new normal.  Seeking therapy doesn't make you weak, it makes you a bad ass.  A weak person rolls over and accepts defeat.  A bad ass accepts the problem and makes that problem their bitch by any means necessary. Maybe therapy is not for you, who am I to judge? However, only about 40% of adults with mental illness actually partake in therapy.  I am not saying this only because I have discovered I actually have quite a few friends in the field and I want to make sure their pockets get lined, but mainly because I am learning first hand the importance of it.  For years, I blew it off and ignored people's suggestions, but when I finally gave in and started, I can't believe how much time I wasted of my life by not going.  However, the stigma around mental health still exists and often gets overlooked by Corporate America.  Many people, who may need therapy, often cannot go because of their insurance.  Truth be told, many of us live without any sort of medical insurance to begin with, but even those of you who are covered, mental health is sometimes left off the plan.  Even myself with what I think is decent insurance, I believe my copay is about 4x as much for therapy as if I needed to see a doctor because I have the sniffles.  It's fucked up.  It really is.  There's no other way to put it.  The worst part is people tend to see their therapist way more than they get their yearly check up.  Hopefully, as this becomes the new normal, we can use months like May to allow people the courage to be more open about mental health and make it mainstream.  #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #breakthestigma

"Are you insane like me?

Been in pain like me?

Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?

Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?

Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?

Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me?

Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?

Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me?

Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?

And all the people say

You can't wake up, this is not a dream

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being

With your face all made up, living on a screen

Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

I think there's a flaw in my code

These voices won't leave me alone

Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold

Are you deranged like me?

Are you strange like me?

Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?

Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?

Pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me?

And all the people say

You can't wake up, this is not a dream

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being

With your face all made up, living on a screen

Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

I think there's a flaw in my code

These voices won't leave me alone

Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold"

- Halsey "Gasoline"

Just look at how many songs are out dealing with mental illness.  A quick google search will provide you with ample tracks for your own anxiety playlist.  Some are positive, some are a little depressing, it just depends on your mood that day and what you feel like listening to.  No matter the song you choose, it's just another small reminder that you aren't alone feeling the way you feel.  It's OK to not be OK.  Drop some of your favorites in the comments below.  I'm always in the mood to discover something new.

Last but certainly not least, I want to vaguely touch upon a few more things.  Mind, Body, and Soul.  You have all heard that saying before and sometimes the order my vary, but it's important to explore all these aspects of life.  They all go hand in hand.  For myself personally, I've learned that everything for me starts from the mind.  When my mind is happy, I can take steps in the right direction for the other two.  When my mind is clouded, I couldn't give a fuck about the other two.  We are all able to steer our mind in the right direction to help us get focused.  I'm currently learning about the Law of Attraction, meaning that when I felt negative, I only attracted negative energy, that's why my life always felt like it sucked.  I let it suck.  Now that I'm thinking positive shit, I'm getting positive shit in return.  I've started to study the teachings of Zen Buddhism.  I am starting to take up guided imagery mediation in the morning.  I even started doing yoga.  (Well I ordered the DVDs and mat, so please Amazon take your time with that!) The point I'm trying to make is simple.  It's important to have a clear mind.  A clear mind allows you to seize the day, or carpe diem, if you will.  I let so much negative energy build up inside of me that there was no way that it would ever get better.  I woke up everyday in a bad mood, pissed I was still alive, that the new day never even had a chance.  I'm not asking everybody to copy what I did.  This is what works for me.  I enjoy reading self help books as many people do, but many also will not touch one.  I gain insight from perspective and enjoy the challenge and opportunity to try and relate that to my life.  I have always had an obsessive personality, so I tend to dive in to anything I do head first.  It's just the way I have always been and probably will always be.  Yet, for the first time in my life, I'm obsessing over bettering myself... and damn it feels good.

Have depth like a good book, every turn of the page gets better.  Don't have depth like an onion because all you'll do is fucking cry!

I'm just trying to spread positive vibes in a world clouded with darkness.  Namaste!