SETBACKS

"Setbacks in life are opportunities

to perform at a new level."

                                            - William Cranch Bond

I fucked up.  Let's get that out of the way.  Despite my best efforts, I crumbled and I gave in to temptation.  I allowed myself to slip into my old ways.  The demons inside my head got the best of me. 

My sobriety streak came to an end, and that went hand in hand with me lighting up my first cigarette in over a week.  My best efforts weren't enough.  I let one negative snowball into many more, until I took everything negative, like I used to, until I started to think about everything ever in my life that was negative, like i used to.  You know what I'm talking about, the friends you lost, the girl who dumped you 7 years ago, the fact that I didn't get a Hot Wheels XV Racer for my 10th birthday, the time Andy Van Slyke didn't sign my fucking baseball when it was already in his hand! You know, all the thoughts and emotions that keep a person up all hours of the night wondering why? Why do bad things always happen to me?  Why doesn't anybody like me?  Why did life make me the way that I am? It's so easy to let your negative emotions get the best of you.  And that's exactly what I did.  I broke. I'm not a religious person by any means, but in my mind it felt like the Devil got back his favorite son.  I was going to slip back to who I thought I was supposed to be and just try to survive the Hell that I assumed was my life.  I drank on Friday night, with the hopes that I just had a bad day.  I told myself tomorrow will be better.  I woke up Saturday to bad news and that was the only trigger I needed.  I didn't even give the day a chance, I went straight to the store for a pack of smokes and a case of beer.  To be honest, I never planned on giving up drinking completely, just didn't want to drink alone any more.  Drinking with friends has always been associated with good times for me, it was only when I sat on my back porch, isolated from the world, music blaring, and drinking alone straight out of the bottle was my problem.  It was during these evenings, that I was at my worst, it's when life got dark, and I slowly lost my grip on reality.  Everybody sucks.  Everything sucks.  Fuck it, I suck.

I thought this was just how life built me, until a friend on Instagram reminded me that this is how I built me and I can do better.  She was right.  I've turned to cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs way too many times as a coping mechanism when things went even the slightest bit wrong for me.  A friend who's busy doesn't text me back right away, fuck, they must hate me.  Time for a beer and a cigarette.  This is how I decided to cope with everything.  Before the pandemic, if I asked one friend to hang out and they couldn't, I found that as a valid excuse to be pissed off at everybody and drink my face off, alone.  If I was rejected by one person (for proper reasons or not, it did not matter, I tend to take everything personal,) I assumed that must be the whole goddamn world's view on me.  I didn't ask a second person, I came to the comfort of my back porch, cooler full of beer and a bottle of tequila. 

I was doing good, maybe too good.  For the first time in my life, I felt at peace with myself.  Then for the first time in weeks, something went bad, I went into the downward spiral I always found myself in so many times prior.  My one or two drinks on Friday became a 12 pack, and then on Saturday I probably drank about two-thirds of a bottle I had left and probably close to a case of beer.   My "one drink" on Friday turned into a 3 day bender.  The worst part was I didn't need the alcohol, I just wanted it, I wanted to stop trying so hard to become better if it wasn't going to get me anywhere.  People still cancel plans on me, people still don't speak to me, people must still think I'm the fuck up that I used to be.  Again, I let it get to me.  I thought maybe it was easier to just be that piece of shit so many people thought I was.  I was wrong.

I did fuck up, but I'm getting back on the path that I was.  I see things different.  Even when I was on my bender, suicide didn't cross my mind.  Even though I indulged in temptation, I knew why I was doing it.  Before, I just did it, but now I see why and now know what I need to work on.  I learned I need to be able to live in the gray.  Life isn't always black and white.  Life doesn't have to be all good or all bad.  Life can be good with some bad sprinkled into it. Shit, life is good with some bad sprinkled into it. I've always been very all or nothing.  Another friend reminded me of this and says she can relate because sometimes she feels the same way.  People are going to have bad days, and no matter how hard I try, I can't always get my way.  I need to learn how to cope with the negative aspects of life in a more healthy way.  Quarantine has us all going a little stir crazy right now, but it appears plans are being put in place for life to return to some sense of normalcy.  In the meantime though, I need to learn how to have a bad day without self-destructing, I need to learn how to not let one rejection turn into self misery, because that's exactly what I did this weekend, I threw myself a good old fashioned pity party and I was the only one invited.  

I am better than that.  No matter how hard I try, life can't be all fucking sunshine and rainbows.  I did have another friend remind that Pittsburgh is the cloudiest city in the United States.  I'm not sure if she was trying to help me or just talking shit on the burgh because she is from Philadelphia (BOOO!!!) Regardless, I googled it and and she was right.  I'll be the first to admit, weather does affect my mood.  Many, many people do suffer from some sort of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Despite living in the cloudiest city, I need to be able to make my own sunshine.  I can't let a few clouds and raindrops ruin my parade.  I can't let cancelled plans cancel my soul.  The bottom line is I need to be happy for me.  The things that are meant to be will fall in place.  I need to be the best version of me for my own purposes, my own happiness.

Temporary setbacks are not long term solutions.  Yes, I fucked up.  And I've fucked up many times before and guess what? I'll probably fuck some shit up in the future too.  It's human nature.  I'm still early in my new found ways and honestly, I'm a work in progress.  I probably will always be that way. We all make mistakes and I cannot continue to let each mistake made consume me. I cannot let other people dictate my happiness.  I'm back on the right track again.  Today was a good day and tomorrow will be even better.  My future is bright and I know this now.  I am not alone. I have plenty of friends who actually give a damn about me.  I have an awesome support system.  Even in the midst of my pity party, I had friends reach out to me with encouragement.   Some of whom, I haven't spoke to in years.  It reminded me that there are people out there who care about me so I need to keep caring about myself.  I had a little slip, but that's ok.  I'm entitled to a fuck up.  I'm going to have bad days.  I'm going to lose things that are important to me.  I'm not always going to get my way.  All i can do is move on and make the best out of what I do have.  There's legitimately nothing I can do different.  I will make the best out of every situation.  I can pout and cry and bitch about every little thing that goes wrong if I want.  That shit gets me nowhere, and truthfully, ends up making shit worse.  Or I can say "fuck you bad feelings! I'm not going to let you bring me down."

I choose happiness.

Last but not least, I touched on it briefly, but if you reached out to me all during this shit, especially on Saturday, I truly appreciate it! It means a lot to me and I'm honestly happy to have every single one of you in my life in any capacity.  Thanks for reading!