CREATIVITY

"I'm just trying to spread positive vibes in a world clouded by darkness"

Today, in therapy, the word I was given at the end of my session was "Creativity."  This particular word resonated strongly with me as lately, I've been trying to explore my artistic side. I tried painting, and although I loved the concept of my piece, the brushwork and overall technique more than left something to be desired. Ditto for my drawing tonight. Sadly again, the vision of my artistic piece in my mind did not necessarily translate to canvas as I hoped.

However, just as my painting, this particular drawing was just an exercise of expression, another platform for me to continue along the positive thought train I've been conducting recently. 

The purpose of today's writing is to discuss creativity. I believe my artwork actually showcases that, but my skill level doesn't necessarily match it. Oh well, this quarantine for me is all about self discovery and part of that comes with trying new things. You live and you learn. I tried, I'm obviously no artist, that's never been the area where my creativity could truly shine. 

Creativity can mean lots of different things. Some people paint, some people dance, some people perform (sidenote, I did used to be a dope ass rapper in my younger days) and some people's brains are just so fucked up, they see things in a way that nobody else can. I fall into that latter group. Whether that is a blessing or a curse, my brain is wired differently than that of an average person. It allows me a unique view of the world, a perspective that is all my own. Simply put, it's what makes me, ME! This creativity is what has helped me shine in any job I have had. It's why as a salesman, I can come up with a different approach to get to yes. I can overcome their objections in a non standard, by the book way, that they were expecting. It's why I was able to come up with eye popping displays or cross-merchandise products when I worked in grocery. Even now, it's why I hit all my sales goals on a monthly basis and why my promotions are a success for everybody involved. I'm sure you've heard of the classic Win-Win-Win-Win scenario. I win for selling the feature in. The customer wins for being at the bar when something awesome is going on. The bar wins for having happy customers and selling additional product. Even, the promo girls working the event, win for being scheduled with me and knowing that the night will go smooth and they'll have fun. Creativity doesn't have to be viewed on a canvas, it can be found all around. My mind is always racing. 

Again, as I said this can be a blessing and a curse. I've discussed the blessings (see I'm looking at the positive aspect of shit first, as opposed to seeing only the negative like the pessimist I used to be) but of course I do need to be realistic and see the negative. My creativity has got me out of a lot of shit too so I continued to push as I thought I could get away with anything. Somebody mad at me (and for a valid reason), boom! Chicken nugget bouquet and I'm forgiven. When it happens again? Boom! Repeat but this time with mini donuts. Hey creativity is creativity, I'm allowed to dip into the same pot and add a little tweak. It's like doctoring up leftovers at home and creating an entirely new meal out of it. Even more so, than just this "get out of jail free" card I thought my creativity had granted me, it also is the cause of so much of my pain. As I mentioned earlier, my mind is always going. My brain is wired differently. I only could think the way that I think because I also thought the way I thought. Through all the anxiety, depression, and a list that could go on longer than my "Freedom" post, my mind was clouded and sometimes, something fun and creative could sneak through. Whatever brain receptors were misfiring and causing me to hate myself, were also the same ones coming up with these great ideas. 

While reading the book "How not to kill yourself: A survival guide for imaginative pessimists," a chapter of the book explained this way better than I could. It connected the dots between these creative superpowers that I know I have, as well as the darkness that surrounds it.  Some of the most creative minds the world has ever been graced with, such as Ernest Hemmingway, Virginia Woolf, Robin Williams, and Kurt Cobain, have all seen their lives come to a abrupt, tragic end. These are just a few names of an ever growing list of FAMOUS people who have fought this battle and ultimately lost. There are millions more people that me or you have never heard of that can also be added to that list. 

Not that long ago, my name could have been added to that nameless list, but not any more. My creativity will always be there. My mind is sharper than it ever has been. I will continue exploring new avenues to express myself that only I can do. I will continue my therapy visits, my exploration of the English word, a healthy new hobby (cycling), and a plethora of other things to continue to let the light shine down upon my life. I'm tired of being angry, sad, and just feel like a shitty human being all the time. I made a decision that when I hung up on the phone from the suicide hotline that it is finally my time to LIVE! If people read this and find it to be of any help, that is absolutely awesome! It helps me just writing it. Do I wish this creativity blessing and anxiety/ depression curse on anybody else? Absolutely not. Am I glad I have it? Fuck yeah! 

Not only will I be ok, not only will I continue to be me, but I promise you and most importantly myself, I am becoming the best version of me that I can be! And goddamn, it feels fanfuckingtastic!!