If I said it once, I’ve said it a million times, letting go is the only way I can truly move forward. The past is behind me and there is no changing it. What happened, happened, and goddamnit did some, well a lot of it, suck major ass. There’s no other way to say it. However, it only sucked half as hard as I think it did because of my mindset. I was a prisoner of my own thoughts, my own pessimism, my “don’t give a fuck” attitude, and it was all a creation of my own. Happiness, after all, is a mindset.
I need to let go, I need to get all the negative out of my brain to make more room for the positive. So many times, I let the bad outweigh the good and that’s completely the wrong approach. As the age old adage goes, muscle weighs more than fat. Muscle is strength, fat is weakness; therefore muscle is good, fat is bad. As simple as that sounds, I need to take that approach with my thoughts as well. Allow the good thoughts to fuel my life and the bad to be slowly erased. The good is all around me. It always has been. I just need to open up my goddamn eyes and begin to see it. Life can be beautiful, when you allow it to be beautiful. Just as life can be extremely ugly, if that’s how you want to view it, and for so long, that’s how I saw it. I didn’t care if I saw tomorrow. We all die one day, so today seems like a perfect fucking day for me. I drank, I smoke, I had meaningless and unprotected sex, I did drugs, I sat on my couch, I worked for absolutely nothing because I simply did not care. I wasn’t living, I was barely surviving. I blamed everybody else for all of my problems because I wasn’t man enough to accept the blame for this shitty life that I created for myself. I avoided therapy and self medicated one case of beer at a time to ease my troubles. In reality, I was only creating more problems, and these were problems that now actually existed. I birthed excruciating tension amongst possible suitors, friends, family, and most importantly myself. It is because of this, I decided I needed to take today’s exercise and use this time to apologize. You might think my writing style is kind of all over the place, well you see, my mind is all over the place, and chances are if you are reading this, yours is too! Guess what? There’s absolutely nothing fucking wrong with that. I might have took the long way there but we are here now, so allow me to begin my “I’m sorries.”
To my parents, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted and the hell I have put both of you through these past years. You gave me life and created my own very existence on this planet. The way I have lashed out and mistreated either of you is totally unacceptable and I apologize. From an early age, you have always kept a roof over my head, food in my tummy, and clothes on my back and for that I am thankful. The sacrifices you made in your life for my well being are endless. I didn’t always see it and focused on the things you couldn’t do even when they were out of your control. I wasn’t always appreciative of the rides anywhere I needed to go, the skipping of vacations to take me to baseball tournaments, the PlayStation 1, 2, 3, and 4, the $150 Nike’s, even the bailing out of jail. These were things I thought a parent was just supposed to do, but as I got older and gained more exposure to the real world outside of our four little walls, I learned this was not always the case. Children have absentee parents, selfish parents, abusive parents, and I was blessed to never have any of that. Instead I was blessed with two salt of the earth parents who did their best every moment, every day, and are still doing so despite the fact that I am a 33 year old man. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry.
To my friends, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I took you for granted, all the arguments I let spill over into something more than it had to be, and the times I just did not show up. Granted, I may have been there physically but not emotionally and definitely not mentally. There are countless times, specifically my own birthday parties, that I was more worried about those who did not come as opposed to those who showed to celebrate with me. I spent the night mulling over the ones who weren’t there; “do they not like me?” “What did I do wrong?” “What are these people doing that is more important than MY birthday?” These types of questions kept me from enjoying the company that I did have. Everybody in my life is fucking awesome and the ones who could make it out with me are the real MVPs! Instead of letting go and having fun with my friends, I worried about things that were out of my control. It wasn’t fair to the people who decided hanging with me was important. It wasn’t fair that I would harass the ones who didn’t. If they were busy and couldn’t make it AND told you that in text message #1, they most certainly were not changing their mind after text message #37. But most importantly, it wasn’t fair to me. I let things bother me that shouldn’t. Sometimes the episode is actually better when Carrie is not in it. This Charlotte chose to ignore his Miranda and Samantha one too many times. I’m sorry for the times I was so inebriated to the point where I have no recollection of the memory. I’m sure it was awesome but I’m sure I went home pissed off about something. Again, I liked being mad, I liked feeling like the world was against me, and I liked having someone I could blame for why things went wrong. I’m sorry for the WTF texts when you wouldn’t go out and drink with me on a Tuesday. I’m sorry for the cryptic social media posts that may or may not have been inferred at you. I’m sorry for not being that awesome person you befriended in the first place. I’m sorry that I ever questioned our friendship. The damage may be too much for some and I may never see them or talk to them again, and i know that’s on me. I’m sorry but I cannot dwell on that. I do promise you though that the person who is writing this today, is not the same person you had a falling out with. I can guarantee you that. Of course, I cannot continue to neglect the friends who have stayed by my side throughout. To all of you, I did a lot of wrong and caused a lot of hurt. I said things without thinking (probably drunk) and put you into unfair spots wayyyy too many times. I used to think nobody gave a fuck about me. I was wrong. I did not give a fuck about myself. It’s completely different. I’m sorry and I hope you forgive me. Many of you already have because you accept me for me. You accept all of me, even my flaws. There are many, many, many people that care about me. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
To the dumb girls who gave me a chance, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for calling you dumb right now but the truth is that you were. The smartest thing you did was walk away. I’m happy for you. I was sad then, but now I can honestly say you made the right decision. I’ve talked about it in depths before, so to summarize, if I didn’t love myself, how could anybody else love me? Many of you have gotten married and even started families. Congratulations! I mean it too. If I was just a speed bump on your way to find your soulmate, I’m glad we met but even happier you found that special someone that you deserve. I’m sorry that you got stuck with me for one date, many dates, a few months, or even a few years. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you because you saw the potential in me that I only didn’t see myself, but didn’t even want to see. I’m sorry for the ultimatums, the clinginess, and the overall toxicity I brought to your life. I was a sad, miserable, and drunk piece of shit with each and every one of you at some point and I am sorry. If you’re still out there looking, I’m glad I gave you a pretty substantial list of things to not look for in a man. I’m sorry to all the girls I led on just to “get some.” I mean I did grow up listening to Limp Bizkit so yes I did do it all for the nookie. Look at America now though, they fucking hate Fred Durst so I obviously picked a horrible role model (other than the fact I do rock a wicked backwards fitted cap!) Again, my actions were not fair to all of you (when am I going to learn nobody likes getting 37 text messages), and of course they were not fair to me. I spent so much of my life depressed over yet another failed attempt at a relationship and did not see why they went wrong. They went wrong because of the monster that I was. If I didn’t love myself, how could anybody else love me? Each and every girl who has broke my heart, who’s heart I broke, or who I just used as a place to charge my phone for the evening (one night stand, get it!?) I am sorry. None of them worked out, but that’s ok. Each and everyone of them helped me grow. It’s because of these failures that I am here now. To reiterate from the previous section, I am not that same person I once was. I’m evolving into somebody who is worthy of love because I finally found love in myself. Each and every potential romantic interest that I’ve crossed paths with, at one point or another has taught me a different aspect of life. I fucked up then and I’m ok with it because I’m finally ok with myself. We all met for some reason or another and I think I figured out why. Every failure used to make me weak, now it makes me stronger. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. The mistakes I made with them are mistakes I made before I found myself, and in many cases, before they found themselves as well. Everything happens for a reason and we were just not destined to be. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
To all of the jobs I ever had, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t always work up to my full potential. I’m sorry I showed up plenty mornings hungover (if not still drunk.) I’m sorry about the days, weeks, even months where I punched the time clock but was just checked out mentally. I’d let stress, anxiety, depression and alcoholism turn me into a shell of what I could be. We all know how fucking amazing I am at any job I ever had. I’d allow myself to become complacent because I knew if I was only giving you half of me, that was still pretty damn good. I could outsell my competition in my sleep so what was the point of working harder than I had to? Out of all the seven deadly sins I’m guilty of, sloth is the one that did define me more than others. Why should I work hard? Because it feels fucking good. It feels good to put in a solid days work that you can be proud of. Guess what? When you work hard, it wears you out and you can even sleep without downing a fifth of bottom shelf tequila prior. Work will always take up at least 33% of your day so you might as well make it worthwhile. I always thought I deserved a better job, more pay, more time off, better benefits, etc. We all do. You have to work for it though. I’m finally learning this, I blamed anybody and everybody for why I didn’t have a “better” job. I didn’t apply myself at any job, or even worse, when I began to care the slightest, the first deterrent I faced, I stopped caring, pushing, and went back to being the lazy Sloth that I thought I was forced to be. In today’s world during a pandemic, any job is a good job. The cashier at the gas station, the stock boy at the grocery store, the long haired hippie at their beer distributor, and anybody else who had a job ignorant people would poke fun at are considered ESSENTIAL EMPLOYEES and forced to risk their health, and their families health, for minimum wage while the rest of the world “works from home” which means they move their mouse around every few minutes while binge watching Tiger King and posting Joe Exotic memes on their timeline. Long story short, I’m grateful for every opportunity I had career wise. My current job has kept me on while so many others in our industry have been forced out, and for that I’m more than appreciative. If I’ve managed to be a top performer anywhere I went at only 50%, imagine what I can do at 100. The sky really is the limit for this guy. Here’s a little secret, it’s the way for all of us. The only thing stopping you, is yourself and I refuse to be a road block in my life anymore and neither should you. “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.” - Les Brown
I’m sorry that I was so afraid of actually succeeding, afraid of the expectations of being anything more than I was, afraid to achieve that I was content to just keep my two feet firmly planted in the ground where I thought it was safe. The ground I stood on was becoming quick sand and instead of staying level, I was actually drowning. I was not only losing the rat race, I was being lapped. I’m just as good, if not better, than anybody who’s doing better than me. Shit, give me 6 weeks in the gym and about another 8” and I can beat LeBron one on one. My mindset told me this was all I deserved but again I was not living, merely surviving. I’m sorry I haven’t grabbed the metaphorical brass ring or the proverbial bull by its horns. I’m sorry for the time I wasted being mediocre when I could have been a superstar this whole time. I’m sorry for only seeing my 8 hours as just a job and not the blessing that it is. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!!
To myself, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for taking so goddamn long to make a change. I’m sorry for being such a fuck up for so long. I’m sorry for not wanting to be happy. I’m sorry for being miserable all the time. I’m sorry for being a drunk. I’m sorry for always being an “imaginative pessimist.” I’m sorry that I let our beautiful mind ever contemplate ending this glorious thing we call life. I’m sorry I made the pandora algorithm play us “Adam’s Song” and “Whiskey Lullaby” on loop. I’m sorry it took me entirely too long to seek help. Therapy has changed my life. I was so hesitant to go and now it’s my saving grace. Maybe I just got lucky because my therapist is an absolute rockstar. She’s the best!! Even when I first started to go, I wanted to keep it a secret. I only told a few select people. I’m sorry I didn’t open up immediately and tell everybody I met. “Hi. I’m James. I go to therapy. It saved my life. And if you don’t like that, go fuck yourself!” There is such a negative stigma around therapy and I can say first hand, this is absolutely false. Therapy is awesome. It’s a platform where I feel safe enough to let out my most vulnerable thoughts and it makes me not only want to be better, but actually be better. It’s helped me open up in a way I never knew was possible. I gained a whole new level of confidence that I’m not only ok talking about it but shit, I’m spilling my heart out and posting it to a blog on the World Wide Web; keywords being WORLD WIDE. I don’t give a fuck about anybody that sees a problem with this, it’s helping me and in turn if my writings can help even one single person stop feeling the way I did for so long then I’ve done my part to better society. All of our lives are beautiful in their own unique individualistic way. Therapy works for me. Therapy may or may not work for you but please don’t knock it until you try it. Mental health is often so far overlooked and can be a major contributing factor to living a long, healthy life. I love therapy and I’m sorry I allowed myself to succumb to the stereotype and put off going for so long. I’m sorry that I did not want to get better sooner. I’m sorry for being a lazy fat ass. We all enjoy watching Netflix in our favorite sweats with the tiniest hole in the crotch eating our third bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos but damn does it feel good to get up and move around a little bit. I ride a bike now, even ordered a spandex cycling jersey. Obviously it didn’t fit my fat ass but hey “baby steps, Jimmy, baby steps.” The hours I would have spent on the couch doing nothing, I now put on the saddle. To each their own, find your exercise and stick with it, I chose biking because it reminds me of simpler times. Cycling takes me back to my childhood where bike was the only way I could get anywhere by myself without asking mommy or daddy for a ride. I spent every day of every summer on my bike in my adolescence years. No job. No bills. No stress. No worries. Riding my bike takes me back to that feeling. Even if I’m winded every after climb, I’m free. I’m sorry that I neglected this sport 16 years ago. Exercise can also be more than physical, on days us bikers call “rest” days I could spend my evenings stuck in a mundane loop of reruns on the tube, or I could exercise my brain and update my blog as I’m doing so now. The creative freedom I have when sitting in front of this keyboard typing away not knowing what the next sentence will be is absolutely exhilarating. I do have a story to tell and I want to share it with everybody. I’m sorry I’ve kept this side of me hidden for so long. I’ve gotten positive feedback from many and if you are reading this one as well, do me a favor and put your name in the following blank... “I want to give a special shoutout to ______________________________
I am now officially out of sorries, and that is a good thing because I’m tired of feeling sorry. I’m tired of feeling sorry for the hurt I’ve caused and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for being sorry. I am now at peace. I’ve made my amends. I am ready to move on. I am ready to be happy. I am letting go off all my past failures, my past vices, my past is now just that, my past. Why is a windshield huge and the rear view mirror is this tiny little thing hanging there with some cheap ass glue? It’s because you need to focus on what’s ahead and leave the past behind you. It does no good to dwell on what’s behind you, you need to keep your eyes and attention on the road upcoming. Horrible driving advice by the way, but great life advice. I will be better. I will grow. I will be proud of myself just like how many of you have told me you are. This time has been critical for my own mental health. Initially I gave in, I was worried about my job, not going out, and looking to stay busy by drinking heavily. I wasn’t living, I was only surviving. I’m a 33 year old man and it took an awfully long time but I am just now seeing the beauty of life for the first time. There’s no exact timeline for self discovery. It happens when you finally let it happen. I sit here today and I am a new person. I am no longer surviving, instead, I am thriving. If I can do it, so can you. After all, happiness is a mindset. I’m sorry that this was another long winded entry, no wait, no I’m not, I am not sorry. I had a lot I wanted to say and I think I covered it. Live life everyday, be the best you that you can be. I know I’m sure as shit trying to be the best version of me!
I need to let go, I need to get all the negative out of my brain to make more room for the positive. So many times, I let the bad outweigh the good and that’s completely the wrong approach. As the age old adage goes, muscle weighs more than fat. Muscle is strength, fat is weakness; therefore muscle is good, fat is bad. As simple as that sounds, I need to take that approach with my thoughts as well. Allow the good thoughts to fuel my life and the bad to be slowly erased. The good is all around me. It always has been. I just need to open up my goddamn eyes and begin to see it. Life can be beautiful, when you allow it to be beautiful. Just as life can be extremely ugly, if that’s how you want to view it, and for so long, that’s how I saw it. I didn’t care if I saw tomorrow. We all die one day, so today seems like a perfect fucking day for me. I drank, I smoke, I had meaningless and unprotected sex, I did drugs, I sat on my couch, I worked for absolutely nothing because I simply did not care. I wasn’t living, I was barely surviving. I blamed everybody else for all of my problems because I wasn’t man enough to accept the blame for this shitty life that I created for myself. I avoided therapy and self medicated one case of beer at a time to ease my troubles. In reality, I was only creating more problems, and these were problems that now actually existed. I birthed excruciating tension amongst possible suitors, friends, family, and most importantly myself. It is because of this, I decided I needed to take today’s exercise and use this time to apologize. You might think my writing style is kind of all over the place, well you see, my mind is all over the place, and chances are if you are reading this, yours is too! Guess what? There’s absolutely nothing fucking wrong with that. I might have took the long way there but we are here now, so allow me to begin my “I’m sorries.”
To my parents, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted and the hell I have put both of you through these past years. You gave me life and created my own very existence on this planet. The way I have lashed out and mistreated either of you is totally unacceptable and I apologize. From an early age, you have always kept a roof over my head, food in my tummy, and clothes on my back and for that I am thankful. The sacrifices you made in your life for my well being are endless. I didn’t always see it and focused on the things you couldn’t do even when they were out of your control. I wasn’t always appreciative of the rides anywhere I needed to go, the skipping of vacations to take me to baseball tournaments, the PlayStation 1, 2, 3, and 4, the $150 Nike’s, even the bailing out of jail. These were things I thought a parent was just supposed to do, but as I got older and gained more exposure to the real world outside of our four little walls, I learned this was not always the case. Children have absentee parents, selfish parents, abusive parents, and I was blessed to never have any of that. Instead I was blessed with two salt of the earth parents who did their best every moment, every day, and are still doing so despite the fact that I am a 33 year old man. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry.
To my friends, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I took you for granted, all the arguments I let spill over into something more than it had to be, and the times I just did not show up. Granted, I may have been there physically but not emotionally and definitely not mentally. There are countless times, specifically my own birthday parties, that I was more worried about those who did not come as opposed to those who showed to celebrate with me. I spent the night mulling over the ones who weren’t there; “do they not like me?” “What did I do wrong?” “What are these people doing that is more important than MY birthday?” These types of questions kept me from enjoying the company that I did have. Everybody in my life is fucking awesome and the ones who could make it out with me are the real MVPs! Instead of letting go and having fun with my friends, I worried about things that were out of my control. It wasn’t fair to the people who decided hanging with me was important. It wasn’t fair that I would harass the ones who didn’t. If they were busy and couldn’t make it AND told you that in text message #1, they most certainly were not changing their mind after text message #37. But most importantly, it wasn’t fair to me. I let things bother me that shouldn’t. Sometimes the episode is actually better when Carrie is not in it. This Charlotte chose to ignore his Miranda and Samantha one too many times. I’m sorry for the times I was so inebriated to the point where I have no recollection of the memory. I’m sure it was awesome but I’m sure I went home pissed off about something. Again, I liked being mad, I liked feeling like the world was against me, and I liked having someone I could blame for why things went wrong. I’m sorry for the WTF texts when you wouldn’t go out and drink with me on a Tuesday. I’m sorry for the cryptic social media posts that may or may not have been inferred at you. I’m sorry for not being that awesome person you befriended in the first place. I’m sorry that I ever questioned our friendship. The damage may be too much for some and I may never see them or talk to them again, and i know that’s on me. I’m sorry but I cannot dwell on that. I do promise you though that the person who is writing this today, is not the same person you had a falling out with. I can guarantee you that. Of course, I cannot continue to neglect the friends who have stayed by my side throughout. To all of you, I did a lot of wrong and caused a lot of hurt. I said things without thinking (probably drunk) and put you into unfair spots wayyyy too many times. I used to think nobody gave a fuck about me. I was wrong. I did not give a fuck about myself. It’s completely different. I’m sorry and I hope you forgive me. Many of you already have because you accept me for me. You accept all of me, even my flaws. There are many, many, many people that care about me. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
To the dumb girls who gave me a chance, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for calling you dumb right now but the truth is that you were. The smartest thing you did was walk away. I’m happy for you. I was sad then, but now I can honestly say you made the right decision. I’ve talked about it in depths before, so to summarize, if I didn’t love myself, how could anybody else love me? Many of you have gotten married and even started families. Congratulations! I mean it too. If I was just a speed bump on your way to find your soulmate, I’m glad we met but even happier you found that special someone that you deserve. I’m sorry that you got stuck with me for one date, many dates, a few months, or even a few years. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you because you saw the potential in me that I only didn’t see myself, but didn’t even want to see. I’m sorry for the ultimatums, the clinginess, and the overall toxicity I brought to your life. I was a sad, miserable, and drunk piece of shit with each and every one of you at some point and I am sorry. If you’re still out there looking, I’m glad I gave you a pretty substantial list of things to not look for in a man. I’m sorry to all the girls I led on just to “get some.” I mean I did grow up listening to Limp Bizkit so yes I did do it all for the nookie. Look at America now though, they fucking hate Fred Durst so I obviously picked a horrible role model (other than the fact I do rock a wicked backwards fitted cap!) Again, my actions were not fair to all of you (when am I going to learn nobody likes getting 37 text messages), and of course they were not fair to me. I spent so much of my life depressed over yet another failed attempt at a relationship and did not see why they went wrong. They went wrong because of the monster that I was. If I didn’t love myself, how could anybody else love me? Each and every girl who has broke my heart, who’s heart I broke, or who I just used as a place to charge my phone for the evening (one night stand, get it!?) I am sorry. None of them worked out, but that’s ok. Each and everyone of them helped me grow. It’s because of these failures that I am here now. To reiterate from the previous section, I am not that same person I once was. I’m evolving into somebody who is worthy of love because I finally found love in myself. Each and every potential romantic interest that I’ve crossed paths with, at one point or another has taught me a different aspect of life. I fucked up then and I’m ok with it because I’m finally ok with myself. We all met for some reason or another and I think I figured out why. Every failure used to make me weak, now it makes me stronger. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. The mistakes I made with them are mistakes I made before I found myself, and in many cases, before they found themselves as well. Everything happens for a reason and we were just not destined to be. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
To all of the jobs I ever had, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t always work up to my full potential. I’m sorry I showed up plenty mornings hungover (if not still drunk.) I’m sorry about the days, weeks, even months where I punched the time clock but was just checked out mentally. I’d let stress, anxiety, depression and alcoholism turn me into a shell of what I could be. We all know how fucking amazing I am at any job I ever had. I’d allow myself to become complacent because I knew if I was only giving you half of me, that was still pretty damn good. I could outsell my competition in my sleep so what was the point of working harder than I had to? Out of all the seven deadly sins I’m guilty of, sloth is the one that did define me more than others. Why should I work hard? Because it feels fucking good. It feels good to put in a solid days work that you can be proud of. Guess what? When you work hard, it wears you out and you can even sleep without downing a fifth of bottom shelf tequila prior. Work will always take up at least 33% of your day so you might as well make it worthwhile. I always thought I deserved a better job, more pay, more time off, better benefits, etc. We all do. You have to work for it though. I’m finally learning this, I blamed anybody and everybody for why I didn’t have a “better” job. I didn’t apply myself at any job, or even worse, when I began to care the slightest, the first deterrent I faced, I stopped caring, pushing, and went back to being the lazy Sloth that I thought I was forced to be. In today’s world during a pandemic, any job is a good job. The cashier at the gas station, the stock boy at the grocery store, the long haired hippie at their beer distributor, and anybody else who had a job ignorant people would poke fun at are considered ESSENTIAL EMPLOYEES and forced to risk their health, and their families health, for minimum wage while the rest of the world “works from home” which means they move their mouse around every few minutes while binge watching Tiger King and posting Joe Exotic memes on their timeline. Long story short, I’m grateful for every opportunity I had career wise. My current job has kept me on while so many others in our industry have been forced out, and for that I’m more than appreciative. If I’ve managed to be a top performer anywhere I went at only 50%, imagine what I can do at 100. The sky really is the limit for this guy. Here’s a little secret, it’s the way for all of us. The only thing stopping you, is yourself and I refuse to be a road block in my life anymore and neither should you. “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.” - Les Brown
I’m sorry that I was so afraid of actually succeeding, afraid of the expectations of being anything more than I was, afraid to achieve that I was content to just keep my two feet firmly planted in the ground where I thought it was safe. The ground I stood on was becoming quick sand and instead of staying level, I was actually drowning. I was not only losing the rat race, I was being lapped. I’m just as good, if not better, than anybody who’s doing better than me. Shit, give me 6 weeks in the gym and about another 8” and I can beat LeBron one on one. My mindset told me this was all I deserved but again I was not living, merely surviving. I’m sorry I haven’t grabbed the metaphorical brass ring or the proverbial bull by its horns. I’m sorry for the time I wasted being mediocre when I could have been a superstar this whole time. I’m sorry for only seeing my 8 hours as just a job and not the blessing that it is. I didn’t always see it, but I see it now. For that I want to say thank you, but most importantly I am sorry. I promise to be better.
IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!!
To myself, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for taking so goddamn long to make a change. I’m sorry for being such a fuck up for so long. I’m sorry for not wanting to be happy. I’m sorry for being miserable all the time. I’m sorry for being a drunk. I’m sorry for always being an “imaginative pessimist.” I’m sorry that I let our beautiful mind ever contemplate ending this glorious thing we call life. I’m sorry I made the pandora algorithm play us “Adam’s Song” and “Whiskey Lullaby” on loop. I’m sorry it took me entirely too long to seek help. Therapy has changed my life. I was so hesitant to go and now it’s my saving grace. Maybe I just got lucky because my therapist is an absolute rockstar. She’s the best!! Even when I first started to go, I wanted to keep it a secret. I only told a few select people. I’m sorry I didn’t open up immediately and tell everybody I met. “Hi. I’m James. I go to therapy. It saved my life. And if you don’t like that, go fuck yourself!” There is such a negative stigma around therapy and I can say first hand, this is absolutely false. Therapy is awesome. It’s a platform where I feel safe enough to let out my most vulnerable thoughts and it makes me not only want to be better, but actually be better. It’s helped me open up in a way I never knew was possible. I gained a whole new level of confidence that I’m not only ok talking about it but shit, I’m spilling my heart out and posting it to a blog on the World Wide Web; keywords being WORLD WIDE. I don’t give a fuck about anybody that sees a problem with this, it’s helping me and in turn if my writings can help even one single person stop feeling the way I did for so long then I’ve done my part to better society. All of our lives are beautiful in their own unique individualistic way. Therapy works for me. Therapy may or may not work for you but please don’t knock it until you try it. Mental health is often so far overlooked and can be a major contributing factor to living a long, healthy life. I love therapy and I’m sorry I allowed myself to succumb to the stereotype and put off going for so long. I’m sorry that I did not want to get better sooner. I’m sorry for being a lazy fat ass. We all enjoy watching Netflix in our favorite sweats with the tiniest hole in the crotch eating our third bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos but damn does it feel good to get up and move around a little bit. I ride a bike now, even ordered a spandex cycling jersey. Obviously it didn’t fit my fat ass but hey “baby steps, Jimmy, baby steps.” The hours I would have spent on the couch doing nothing, I now put on the saddle. To each their own, find your exercise and stick with it, I chose biking because it reminds me of simpler times. Cycling takes me back to my childhood where bike was the only way I could get anywhere by myself without asking mommy or daddy for a ride. I spent every day of every summer on my bike in my adolescence years. No job. No bills. No stress. No worries. Riding my bike takes me back to that feeling. Even if I’m winded every after climb, I’m free. I’m sorry that I neglected this sport 16 years ago. Exercise can also be more than physical, on days us bikers call “rest” days I could spend my evenings stuck in a mundane loop of reruns on the tube, or I could exercise my brain and update my blog as I’m doing so now. The creative freedom I have when sitting in front of this keyboard typing away not knowing what the next sentence will be is absolutely exhilarating. I do have a story to tell and I want to share it with everybody. I’m sorry I’ve kept this side of me hidden for so long. I’ve gotten positive feedback from many and if you are reading this one as well, do me a favor and put your name in the following blank... “I want to give a special shoutout to ______________________________
I am now officially out of sorries, and that is a good thing because I’m tired of feeling sorry. I’m tired of feeling sorry for the hurt I’ve caused and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for being sorry. I am now at peace. I’ve made my amends. I am ready to move on. I am ready to be happy. I am letting go off all my past failures, my past vices, my past is now just that, my past. Why is a windshield huge and the rear view mirror is this tiny little thing hanging there with some cheap ass glue? It’s because you need to focus on what’s ahead and leave the past behind you. It does no good to dwell on what’s behind you, you need to keep your eyes and attention on the road upcoming. Horrible driving advice by the way, but great life advice. I will be better. I will grow. I will be proud of myself just like how many of you have told me you are. This time has been critical for my own mental health. Initially I gave in, I was worried about my job, not going out, and looking to stay busy by drinking heavily. I wasn’t living, I was only surviving. I’m a 33 year old man and it took an awfully long time but I am just now seeing the beauty of life for the first time. There’s no exact timeline for self discovery. It happens when you finally let it happen. I sit here today and I am a new person. I am no longer surviving, instead, I am thriving. If I can do it, so can you. After all, happiness is a mindset. I’m sorry that this was another long winded entry, no wait, no I’m not, I am not sorry. I had a lot I wanted to say and I think I covered it. Live life everyday, be the best you that you can be. I know I’m sure as shit trying to be the best version of me!
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