I have written so much about my past, negative experiences. I have written so much about moving on, letting go, and my hoping to keep becoming better. I have written so much about both the past and the future, but today i would like to live in the moment. Today's blog entry will be about the present. The present really can be a present.
My therapy session a few days ago left me with the world "Celebration." Usually I like to write about my word the day I get it. Usually the word strikes a nerve with me and I am able to write about it for hours. However, this word was different. The word has such a positive connotation that even in my new found, upbeat, happy as fuck attitude I've adopted, it was still a tough word for me to write about. I've always been hard on myself, I've found it weird when others were happy for me, maybe it was only because I wasn't happy for myself, like ever. Just recently, when having a conversation with a friend who said she was proud of me, was I able to actually accept that for the first time in my life. I used to think that was such a weird AF statement to tell someone, like what exactly is there to be proud of. Again, this was because I wasn't proud of myself. Now, when i was told this, it actually felt good to hear. And that is a reason to celebrate!
Again, I have written so much about my past, so much about my future; so much about what i did wrong, so much about what I want to do right; so much about who I was, so much about who I want to be; but we all need to stop every once in a while and just fucking breathe. Celebrate those little wins. Celebrate the now. Celebrate life!
Tonight, I celebrate not having had a drink in close to three weeks! This might be a personal best for me and a new world record! Even tonight, I am celebrating and typically celebrations always involved alcohol. POW! Two wins in one. Alcohol has taken over my life at times, and being free from its grasps is more than enough reason to celebrate. Times are obviously different right now, but I do have more than enough alcohol at my disposal if I wanted to. However, after my call to the suicide lifeline, I made a promise to not drink alone and that's exactly what I am going to do. My mind has never been clearer and I realized I don't need to drink to get through the day, pass the time, or even sleep. I'm not saying I will never drink again, but I will not drink alone, and right now I honestly don't even miss the taste of it. I also feel a million times better in the morning when I wake up. That is worthy of celebration.
I also celebrate the fact that I am typing this without a cigarette in my hand. I am on a path to quit and this time I will make it stick. I can't let myself down, or any of those who liked my #quitsmoking post on social media. I do it for the fans. All jokes aside, I do need to quit for myself. Nobody else can make me quit, but again I'm finally living a life worth living so I cannot continue smoking if I want to do all the things I want to do. Cigarettes, just like alcohol, had a hold on me. I needed to smoke the minute I woke up and would practically smoke all day until I finally fell asleep. Drinking made it worse, as I would light up much more frequently when I was drinking. If anybody has been outside or in a public place during this pandemic, a smoker's cough is the worst thing you can have right now as the second you cough you get a ton of stares and dirty looks. I'm chewing my gum vigorously as even the mention of a cigarette has me itching for one, but no I am stronger than my addiction. I can quit. I will quit. It has only been a few days smoke free but still, I do believe that is a reason to celebrate.
I celebrate that during this quarantine, I found new and most importantly, healthy hobbies. This blog has been a blessing to help me clear my mind and stay busy. I've wrote about this in past entries so I will not dedicate too many words to this topic. I do enjoy writing it, it's helping me, and people seem to kind of dig it so that also is cause for celebration. I've been riding a bike. Again, it's a form of exercise, helps me pass the time, clears my mind, and I've mentioned it in every entry I've written since my first ride. Redundancy aside, this is another reason for my celebration. We all don't have to write blogs, or ride a bike, but we can all find some form of exercise, both mental and physical, that we can enjoy. It might take some trail and error, but trust me, as the fattest guy in most rooms, if I can find it, so can you! This might be a bit premature, but fuck it, that's reason for both of us to celebrate!
At first, I didn't know exactly what I wanted to celebrate, but we all have so many things in our lives that we can be extremely grateful, we just have to open our eyes and see it. I celebrate that I have so many awesome people in my life. I started a blog, and people read it. I can celebrate that. I started a online store to sell merchandise for this very blog and guess what? People are actually buying t-shirts with my website's name AND my shitty artwork on it! Granted, there's not exactly a public they can wear them out it right now, but people have took their hard earned money and put it to representing my cause. If that's not a reason to a fucking celebrate than I do not know what is. This is not a shameless plug for readers to visit my store. Who am I kidding? Yes it is, but people have already purchased product. It's fucking wild when you think about it. Truthfully, life is wild and that's another reason to celebrate. Through every crazy detour, all the wild twists and turns, and goddamn potholes along the road, we are still here another day to live, how many more reasons do we need to celebrate?
I celebrate that I accepted therapy, that I'm trying to break the stigma, and honestly, that I think I'm kind of killing therapy too! My therapist even said she was proud of me. Again, I want to be weirded out by that statement, but goddamnit, I've worked hard to be where I am now, and with her help, so she deserves to be proud of her patient. I'm even proud of myself too! I celebrate the lessons I have learned, and even the games we play now in our video chats. Not only do I get a word of the day, but she also let me pick out a crystal. I picked out fluorite because of its shape and color, but when she explained to me what it meant, it was a perfect crystal for me. I went on Amazon and bought some for myself. I'm guessing many of probably don't have a clue what fluorite is, well that's what Google is for, or you could just wait on my entry where I go into more detail. Always gotta keep the reader coming back, am i right? I celebrate that I just came up with a future topic for another awesome entry. I do celebrate the success and lessons I've learned from therapy. I celebrate therapy because so many people are afraid to!
Lastly, I celebrate life. Life is fucking amazing, when you let it be. I celebrate waking up in the morning. I celebrate every opportunity I get to seize the day and make each day better than yesterday. I celebrate the hope to be better. I celebrate each and every evolving aspect of me I celebrate the people who have stuck by me. I celebrate the ones cheering me one to quit smoking. I celebrate the ones who buy my merchandise. I celebrate those of you who made me want to keep writing and make this the most positive motherfucking blog on the entire internet. I celebrate the fact that if I do 30 miles on my bike, i want to do 40 the next time. I celebrate this new found persona I have created for myself. I celebrate happiness. I celebrate life. I celebrate the simple fact that I am finally in a place where I feel confident enough in myself to celebrate. I celebrate celebration.
I'd like to end this blog with something a little different than I usually do. If you read this far, hurry up and X out before you get your homework assignment. Too late, you came this far. I'm not asking you to write this in the comments or post it on your social media, I'm asking you to do this for you. Every day has its ups and downs, so what can you celebrate today?
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