TRIGGERS

Since I started this blog, when I wrote about a topic I had a clear understanding of what I wanted to say. My mind was already made up as I wanted to better myself, and I started with a positive energy and throughout the duration of writing my mind became even clearer. Today’s entry is actually the complete opposite of that but I hope to find an answer by the end of this and unlike prior entries any feedback is actually helpful as I am asking for help, be it coping mechanisms, suggestions, further readings or etc.  I hope by getting this off my chest I can continue my trek forward but today feels like an uphill climb. I am still writing this from a good place, my attitude still remains upbeat and positive and I hope this exercise furthers these feelings.

First off, let me start off by saying quitting smoking is fucking hard! I “quit” sometime yesterday morning after I finished my “last” pack.  I went the remainder of Saturday and up until 5 pm Sunday just chewing my nicotine gum. It was easy, almost too easy. I had no desire to smoke. I’ve been exercising lately and actually enjoying it. My lung capacity from years of smoking was holding me back from truly pushing myself on the trails and every climb wore me out and was left exhausted by the top. For the first time in my life, I wanted to quit smoking for myself! (I also have to say that I was especially touched by all the likes on social media giving me encouragement during my most recent efforts.) During this quarantine, I’ve made multiple efforts to better myself. I haven’t had a drink in the longest time I can remember. The last drink I had ended with me calling the national suicide prevention hotline. I’ve found multiple hobbies, including writing this blog, mountain biking, and even my dabble into the world of art. Granted some hobbies have found more success than others. Fuck the haters though, my artwork is dope. Well why after 30 some odd hours of cigarette free, do I find myself lighting back up? Although this is just a temporary setback, my goal is still to become cigarette free, but I still have to ask myself why did I give in to temporary satisfaction as opposed to long term well being?

The answer to that question is the title of this entry, triggers. We all have triggers and all have different ways of getting past them. In a prior lifestyle, anytime a trigger came creeping in my life, I turned to alcohol. I would drink until I forgot what had even set me off. I drank until I had to stumble up my steps to finally go to bed. I would wake up and go about my daily life until another incident occurred. Sometimes it was a few days, sometimes it was first thing in the morning and I’d begin to plan my drinking for the moment I got home from work. I used to joke that I only smoked when I drank, well the problem was that I was always drinking, therefore I was also always smoking. Well what exactly are my triggers and how do I overcome them. Just like you the reader are wondering, I’m also wondering and hope to find my own answer by the end of this writing.

If you’ve read “freedom” you know I lived one hell of a life. It wasn’t always the best but my past is full of experiences that tend to haunt its rearing head at me anywhere I may go. Part of the problem was I haven’t ever really moved on in my life and would find myself in many of the same places I was during my darkest hours. As much as I want to get away from who I was and where I was, there is also a sense of comfort in familiar places. I’m trying to move on, but when you fucked up all over the city, unless you move from the city you have always called home, you’re bound to be reminded of the bad times so it leaves you two options; one, you could move to a brand new city and completely start over or two, you could become strong and not let these negative vibes disrupt your new positive as fuck life choices. Although my body is weak from my 20 mile bike ride yesterday, I still vote that I do the latter.

These triggers are always going to be around me, I just need to overcome. I need to practice my prior advice and let go. If I make a left leaving my house I drive past the house of a woman who I attempted to date and it did not work out. Guess what happens when I make a right? Same thing. These last few weeks at work have been different to say the least. I’m outside of my usual territory and going into neighborhoods I haven’t been to in years. And once again, the only reason I was ever in those areas before was to see a girl that it didn’t work out with. Anywhere I go in this fine city, I drive past a street that reminds me of what could have been and what didn’t work out. Honestly, when I begin this paragraph, I had no fucking clue where I was going with it, but then, it hit me. I always bitch and moan about being alone, but damn, maybe I’m really not. Granted, I did something to fuck up those potential relationships but I just have to assume that they were not meant to be. The one positive I can take from this is, despite my lack of self confidence regarding my looks, there have been a slew of women who at least gave me a chance, so maybe lately, I just been looking in the wrong places, plus I didn’t love myself, and well you know the rest. Let’s move on, you can read more about that in my other blog posts. (Side note: writing is actually really fun, you think I’m any good at it?)

In my life I’ve fucked up more than just potential romantic relationships, so let’s look at some other triggers. This past week was supposed to be the Pittsburgh Pirates home opener, your views on baseball aside, the home opener is one of the most fun days of the year for me. It’s a day I get together with all my friends, drink a ton of beer, yell at fans and players of the opposing team, do inappropriate things with hot dogs, and typically I go UNDEFEATED IN CORN HOLE! (“One word, two syllables: cantlose!”) However, like everything else in life right now, the home opener was not to be. It will be eventually, I think, honestly who has the slightest clue on what’s going to happen? To paraphrase my favorite saying, I understand why the game was not played, doesn’t mean I comprehend it. I miss the world but I have actually used this time to discover more about me and have actually been thriving in my efforts. I can’t let a world wide pandemic affect me in the negative, I have to continue to move forward and let go.

I’ve spoke in depth about my relationship with my father. I have no ill will towards the man but we are still not speaking. Triggers don’t always have to be a memory, some times some things just irritate the shit out of you. Without going into too much detail these particular triggers were always used as another excuse for me to go drink. I just needed to escape and forget about my current living situation. He might ask me a dumb ass question, and it would set me off. The same goes with work, a coworker asks a dumb ass question and I’m already counting down the minutes until I can sneak outside for a cigarette and start mentally mixing my first drink later that night. However, they were dumb ass questions in my mind, the people asking them obviously thought they were valid, plus the old saying is that no question is a dumb question, so to whomever is reading this feel free to ask away. I used to never ask questions for anything and it always left me wondering. Part of this new me is being more open so maybe I’ll even start asking some dumb ass questions myself. Despite having GPS, I might even practice by stopping at a gas station and asking for directions in the near future.  I’ve let so much get to me and now I’m realizing that was never a healthy way to live. Maybe I’ll even start talking to my father again. My triggers were always just an excuse for me to live my life the way I wanted to. The only problem is I wasn’t really living life, I was just living to die; drinking, smoking, and being a lazy piece of shit rewatching the office on Netflix for the 183rd time. I can do better. I am better.

Technology also plays a major role in all of this. Social media, texting, etc. can be a never ending hornets nest of triggers. No longer do you actually call a person as most people just text. The good thing about a phone call was that it came to an end. That person either called you back later in the day if they were busy, or you would call again in a few days. The conversation eventually ended until the next time. Text messaging doesn’t have that same concept. I constantly left wondering why my friend didn’t text back. Well hey, maybe they are busy, or maybe your text about your poop isn’t exactly worth a response. As I think it’s pretty clear now, my brain is different than most, so being left on read is another trigger of mine. My anxiety leaves me wondering what I said wrong. Again, I know this is in me and not necessarily the fault of the person on the other end. I need to become ok with the fact that not every text will be answered and not everyone has time to carry on a never ending conversation with me day in and day out. I’m also guilty of this as I tend to not respond to one word texts as I feel that the person isn’t really in the mood for conversation, let alone the dreaded “K” text, that particular text might make me break into a liquor store and chug a bottle of Everclear. Social media is also full of triggers, sometimes I might see friends out together and posting their shenanigans as the night progresses. Instead of manning the fuck up and just asking where they are at and if I can come, I’m 99% positive they would say yes, I let it stew and play victim. I think I wasn’t invited but the truth is sometimes I was not always the best at communication leading up to the evening, so how can somebody invite me out if I haven’t spoken to them in weeks?  Again, I’m learning that this is on me and I’m trying to get better and I will get better!

This all leads me to why I decided to pick up a cigarette today, what particular trigger always gets the best of me. That particular trigger is regret. I have many and chances are I always will have some. However, I’m learning regret is no way to live life and will always have you crashing back down, no matter how far up the mountain of happiness you think you might have come. Regret is without a doubt my number one trigger. It has me slipping back into a state of thought about what could have been as opposed to what can be. It’s the reason why I spent most of my life thinking about all my past mistakes and not living for a future of what can be. I’m slowly getting there, but I will eventually make it. I smoked a cigarette today but I will quit. I don’t know when or exactly how, as this whole new attitude is a work in progress, but it is progressing. For me, there’s no more going back, only going forward. I need to overcome these triggers that I feel are always calling me back to a life that wasn’t worth living. Everybody works differently, and I know this is especially true for me. I need to let go, speak my grievances, and move on. This starts today. After my shower today, I was scrolling through social media and was looking at the people you may know section and when one person looked familiar but I couldn’t place their name, I clicked onto their profile. I’m just as guilty as Facebook creeping as anybody else is. When I looked at their mutual friends, I saw one particular person and that was the trigger I did not need today. We haven’t spoke in weeks and honestly life feels weird when we don’t. Sometimes when I drive around, I think I see their vehicle. Maybe it’s them, maybe it isn’t, but in my mind it is. Either way, it’s a reminder of my mistakes, it’s another example of my regret. It reminds me that this person tolerated me at my absolute worst. During these bad times I did a lot of dumb shit, most of the time I was drunk, but they were always there to help bring me back up from whatever sunken cave of depression I fell into on that particular day. I spoke about it before but to refresh your memory, I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and then pushed some more, until I pushed them completely out of my life. I doubt they will ever read this, so this might be falling onto deaf ears, but I need to make my peace and apologize. I am sorry, not only for the last thing, but for everything. I put you in a spot you never asked for and took advantage of your kindness. I hope one day we can become friends again and I promise this time will actually be different because I am different. You have never met this version of me so let me briefly explain, all the parts you may have actually liked (albeit slightly) are still there but I’m slowly upgrading the bad parts into something that’s worth a damn. I’m still hilarious, still have great ideas, and still down to make fun of anybody you want, but that sad all the time, depressed ass little bitch aspect of my life is gone. I finally understand life and want to LIVE. I took you for granted and expected you to be the only glimmer of hope I thought I had, now I just hope you can play a part in the big picture of this super duper dope ass life I’m creating for myself. Plus I kinda hope the last words you ever speak to me aren’t I hate you, but if so I have to live with it. I put myself in that position and despite the fact that I’m not that person anymore, I was that person. The last thing I will say on this topic is I truly am sorry.

Let’s wrap this shit up because Wrestlemania is about to start, but I was right. I started writing this having not the slightest clue of where I was going with this shit, but I figured it out. All these triggers I thought were all around me, were just excuses. I’ll fuck up, it’s human nature, but I can’t let these fuck ups define me. I’ll let go and bounce back better than ever. Just like I’ve been doing. A few weeks ago, I thought my life was over, in reality, it’s just beginning. I’ve always found excuses to take the easy way out. I found excuses to why I smoke. I found excuses to why I drink as much as I do. I found excuses to sit on the couch and not exercise. I found excuses to not truly live. I’m starting fresh, I’m experiencing life for the first time. These triggers are just mental roadblocks that I put up my self as I truly was an imaginative pessimist. They were nothing more than excuses and it’s time for me to stop making excuses. Here I am world! This is me! No more bullshit. This is my time to shine. My time to finally let go and be free. No more triggers. No more regrets. Just doing. In the lingo of my new mountain biking hobby, it really is time for me to “shred the gnar” that we call life!