REFLECTIONS

 

"And to all the people who ain't like me, I ain't like me either"

Holy shit! Time fucking flies.  Exactly one year ago today, I was at the lowest point of my life.  The closest I ever was to taking my own life.  Life had lost its purpose and in the midst of a pandemic, I was watching everything crumble around me.  My future looked bleak.  Days were not getting any better.  I felt as if I was all alone.  People, who I essentially harassed to try to make any attempt to ensure my own well being despite being in complete regards to theirs, had given up on me.  I gave up on myself a long time before that and continued to spiral downward with no regards to the people around me as well as myself.  I was searching for outside happiness when I could not maintain it within.  I looked for any light and just hung on to the idea of any potential glimpse of normalcy that I had thought I could achieve.  Then i finally learned that it's ok to not be ok.

Bad days turned into bad weeks, bad weeks into bad months, bad months into bad years, bad years finally turned into a bad life.  Looking back, that's what I wanted. On a bit of a side rant, I do want to touch on one topic briefly.  Whenever somebody is going through anything, people attempt to help by comparing their problems to others and make comments like it's not that bad compared to something somebody else is going through or comparing it to some other fucked up idiosyncrasy that is going on in this fucked up world that we live in.  I wish it was that simple.  Granted, my situation or anybody else's fails in compassion to children's cancer, racism, or any other topic of that sort of nature.  However, my problems, were not as simple as problem 1 or 2.  My shortcomings came from problem 1 AND 2 AND 3 AND 4 and add depression on top of that and you get fucked up.  Maybe my problems weren't as big as I made them out to be, but my problems were my problems and na na na na na can't nobody tell me nothing.  If I thought my life sucked, I wanted to think my life sucked.  I wanted to hate everyone.  At the time, I didn't have the coping skills required for me to drive over the smallest bump in the road let alone continue to face an uphill climb day in and day out.  I used to reach out and wanted an answer to not feel like shit, the only thing was I needed to find the answer myself.  The mind is a beautiful but crazy system that is too complicated for me to pretend to understand how it's wired.  My mind, in particular, is all over the place, just like this blog entry is about to be but, damn it, it's my blog and I can write it however I want.  If you made it this far, I hope you keep reading.  Hell, you might even make it in the story!

I haven't wrote here in a while so I wanted to use this anniversary as a day to post some new content and reflect on this past year.  This blog started out as a way for me to freely express myself in between therapy sessions as after that phone call I believe is when I really started taking my therapy seriously.  Off topic again, and to each their own, but therapy has been critical in my growth and I could not have made it this far without my sessions.  As I mentioned, I started writing this blog as an exercise just to keep my mind busy when I was having problems, I could have done it just as a journal entry for my own private use, but I had no shame in sharing and if it can potentially help the handful of people who have consistently read it then awesome, but also the more people talk about mental health, the less taboo it will become and the stigma can be broken surrounding it.  

I write this, as a man who is not fixed, but as man who is trying his hardest.  Shit ain't easy.  If it was, everybody would go to a few therapy sessions and be cured.  I still have many of the same problems that I had before.  I still allow my demons to rear their ugly head back in every once in a while.  I still have bad days.  The only thing that absolutely has changed is my ability to deal with it.  I can cope and so can you.  When life used to throw me a curve, I couldn't read it.  I swung early and struck out.  After years of trying, I gave up and didn't even want to step inside the batters box if I was just going to be out anyway.  Through therapy, reflection, and countless other practices I took the time to learn, I am now able to sit back and smack the living hell out of that curve.  All it takes is a little bit of hard work but if I can get there, anybody can.  

Patience is a virtue.  Well, guess what, I am impatient.  Very impatient.  I guess you could even say I'm anxious.  Anxious as in like Anxiety? Yep, you guessed it.  "It's my money and I want it now." I used to have so much trouble waiting for everything and anything.  I needed to feel satisfaction and instant gratification for anything I did.  I went to therapy a handful of times and was confused as to why it wasn't working.  Surprise! It was, I just needed to give it time.  What do they say? The pyramids weren't built in a day and after a quick Google search, that's actually true.  I needed to learn how to step back and try to wait.  Sometimes it's hard, real fuckin' hard, but I need to continue to try my best and trust the process.  I wanted to live life as if I was Usain Bolt in the 200M and if I couldn't see (or get to) the finish line than what was the point? Now I see what a horrible, piss poor attitude that was and I understand why I hated myself so much back then, because now even I hate the person that I used to be.  

I can write about that night, one year ago, pleading with my mother letting her know that it wasn't her fault and that suicide was my only option.  I could write about the fact that I have not spoke to my father in close to a year as well.  I could write about all the people who gave up on me, the countless unanswered texts that will most likely never be replied to.  I could write about all the shit I've dealt with, all the unhappiness I have experienced.  Again, this is my blog so I can write about whatever the hell I want to write about, well this is what I want to write about...

I want to reflect and go back to the same topics that I touched in my first (and most popular) post, Freedom.  If you haven't read it, go back and take a read.  I think it's well worth it and have received numerous positive feedback from it.  To catch you up, I basically just told my story in regards to various topics, so despite this introduction being longer than the background story when you just want to see a goddamn recipe on various websites, let's get into it.

MENTAL HEALTH:

Ask me one year ago, my opinions on mental health and I wouldn't have much to say.  Prior to my own personal adventure, I dismissed therapy.  I thought shrinks were all quack doctors and a waste of time and money.  I thought therapy was only for rich people who wanted their kids to "act normal" or married couples.  I never, in my wildest dreams, thought it was something for me.  I.  Was.  Wrong.  As.  Fuck.  

Mental health matters.  Mental health is essential.  Having a good mind is the start to everything.  Everything else will eventually (see, there's that patience thing I am working on) fall into place.  If I woke up in a bad mood and did nothing to change that, I was going to stay pissed off all day.  Living that way is no way to live and hence the reason I was giving up.  It wasn't until I really upped my efforts and started taking mental health seriously did I start to get better.  My mindset is 180 degrees different than it was 365 days ago.  I cannot stress enough, if you THINK you need somebody to talk to, chances are you probably do; do yourself a favor and at least try.  At one point, I was going to therapy once a week, then biweekly, today I am at the point where I only go once a month.  Even with limited visits, just knowing that I have a safe space to discuss any issues I have is an absolute life saver.  Many times, on the occasional bad day, I can't wait to tell my therapist all about it in efforts hoping she can help.  The only thing is now I can help myself and by the time my appointment rolls out I already resolved the problem on my own.  I have coping skills and mechanisms to help me through troubling times that I did not have prior.  Whenever I feel myself slipping, I can stop and take a breath and get back on track as opposed to the snowball effect I let overwhelm my life for so long.  I am more than happy to discuss mental health with anybody and I am not afraid to post about my sessions or write this blog because I discovered a secret and want to share it with everybody.  Mental health matters.  Take care of yourself.  Find what works for you, but do not neglect your mental health by any means.  I was made into a believer, that's why I have a (shameless plug) happinessisamindset.com sticker on my Jeep.  I hope somebody sees it and discovers my blog and can possibly open up their eyes.  It's not some sort of self promotion that I think I will eventually get rich from.  My last post had like 12 viewers, so its not about my blog, its just about opening people up to the idea to therapy, yoga, mediation, etc.  Again, whatever works for you.  This is the same reason I wear Lokai bracelets each and every single day.  It serves as a reminder to myself that life will have its up and downs, and even the lowest of low will still connect to the highest of the high.  I lived so much of my life in the black and white and it wasn't until this past year, that I was able to live in the grey and experience all sides of the spectrum.  Besides that self reminder, its just another example of me wearing my beliefs on mental health on my sleeve (well wrist in this case) as an opportunity to discuss mental health if I am asked about my bracelets.  I may or may not have some custom shoes in the works as another example of this journey and opening doors to discussion.  I admit, I did get lucky with my therapist and she was exactly who I needed, some people might have to try a few out before they find the right fit, but when you do it's so worth it.

I never thought there would be a day that I would be preaching about the importance of mental health.  I used to just think there was something wrong me and that was the end of the story.  I couldn't go on living the way that I was feeling.  I saw the light and wouldn't even dream of turning back.  Sure, I fuck up from time to time and go against my own preaching, but the new me bounces back, the old me continued to fall.  I'm only human.  I've felt like a fuck up for 32 and 1/2 years of my life so give me some time, this whole new year new me thing is, well, still new.  

FAMILY:

Before I type this, I want to reiterate that this is a reflection on MY FEELINGS, and in no way any sort of attack of my parents.

I talked about it briefly in the prelude, so I won't go in to too much detail here, but let's reflect anyway since that is my theme.  I haven't spoke to my father in over a year.  I don't know how to.  I also don't know if I want to.  In this past year, I have made tremendous strides in my own well-being and I am not sure if I am ready to open that door and revisit the past.  I'm afraid it will go back to the way things used to be.  I'll start to slip again and lose everything that I have worked so hard for.  I am lost.  I don't know if this makes me a bad person? A weak person? I honestly do not know what to do in this situation.  There are days that I felt as if I was close to trying to bury the hatchet but then I would have dreams of him belittling me again and crushing me back to who I used to be.  I'm afraid and have chose to continue down this positive path that I have been crushing this past year and unfortunately, that path is without my father.  As I said before, I love my mother.  In this past year, due to the strained relationship with my father, I can also feel her slipping away from me as well.  I feel as if its to a point now where I couldn't even tell you the last time we spent any quality time together.  No shopping trips, no dinners, nothing.  Believe me, it fuckin' sucks and in times before I would take this sort of reaction a different way and figure if my own parents won't nothing to do with me, why would anybody? I would feel as if I wasn't good enough for anybody if the people's whose sole purpose is to love their only son unconditionally suddenly did not.   I would be crushed.  I would give up.  I would be one step closer to skipping that phone call and ending it.    It pains me to write this, but I am learning I cannot change people's feelings towards me and I need to stay focused on what I am doing to be the best me I can be.  I need to move on to a more upbeat and happy topic..

FRIENDS:

You guys are fucking AWESOME!! I'd be lost without so many of you.  When I wrote this a year ago, despite my attempt at being optimistic, I probably had some negative undertones in my writing.  Well, first thing first, when I got to the point that I wanted to be around myself, shit changed, and people wanted to be around me as well.  It was a weird feeling but I do have much to say about this topic.  

A few months ago, I texted a friend after a night of drinking.  She's an amazing person and really making a name for herself in her field.  I usually just send her dumb shit like pictures of girls I met on tinder, drive-by photos of when work takes me past her alma mater, etc.  Well, like I said after a night of drinking I texted her "I haven't texted u while im drunk lately so i wanna make sure u still accept my shenanigans" Her response after I already passed out "I 110% still accept your shenanigans!" and I don't know why, but that was what I needed to hear.  It was a good reminder that I am not alone, I do have friends who care and support me.  I used to never see it, or again being impatient, that if somebody couldn't hang out with me that day, they didn't give a shit about me.  I was MJ in the last dance and I took that shit personal.  Another girl who told me that even if work resumes in the future, she probably won't be coming back, so then I realized that we were no longer co-workers, but actual friends.  She's another one who after going out for drinks I thanked her for "putting up with me" and she made it a point to point out that she's not just "putting up with me."  Again it goes back to my sense of feeling like people only spent time with me because they had to and not that they wanted to.  Again, I needed that shit.  I am learning that I actually have some stuff to offer people and quite frankly, they are missing out if they don't want to hang out with me.  I made it a point in the "Freedom" post that I wanted to knock down my walls and make some new friends, and in this past year I can honestly say that I have done that.  I joke about another girl that she passed me off her friendship responsibilities to me onto her boyfriend, but honestly I am glad that she did.  All jokes aside, I know that me and her are still friends as well, but I also enjoy his company.  The old me wouldn't have been open to making a new friendship but I am glad that I did.  Since the weather finally broke here in Pittsburgh, he even asked me if I wanted to go golfing today, and I said no (so that i could write this blog tonight.)  If you know me, I used to never say no.  I was so desperate for companionship that I would never, ever turn down the opportunity to do so.  Again, I have grown and don't constantly need that attention and some days I know I just want to take a day off and find some time for myself, before I hated being around myself so I always needed that constant distraction and would self destruct when I could not find it.  We will go golfing soon though I promise.  However, I finally am at a point in my own head space that I can feel ok having to pass not being afraid that they opportunity will not present itself again and as it weird as it sounds, that's fuckin' huge for me.  I've made strides and strides and strides from who I was to who I am now.  I may have said this before and that I don't like to toot my own horn, but TOOT! TOOT!

There's countless others who are always willing to listen and drop a like on my socials and make plans to catch up soon.  Some materialize, some do not, but I believe they will.  Life can get busy and for the first time I understand that, we will catch up soon, and I can trust the process.  Just because we talked about meeting and it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that they don't give a fuck about me.  This was the mindset I used to have and have strained so many relationships because of it.  I've made new friends, maintained many, and of course I lost a few as well as is life.  I look back and see who I was and how I treated some of them and I understand why they gave up.  I WAS a piece of shit.  I may never be able to show them that I changed and I may not even want to.  Some relationships just didn't stand the test of time and that's nothing I can't change.  Some relationships ended due to my doings, but they helped mold me in preparation of bettering myself.  I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for those past experiences.  To my old high school friends, I'm sorry shit went down the way it did and honestly I know it was a collection of events over time but I honestly cannot recall.  To others, I really don't know why we don't talk anymore but I'm sure it was mutual and can again be traced back to dumb and drunk decisions.  To the one I leaned on when I felt I had nobody else and bugged you 24/7, thank you for everything that you did and I'm sorry things are in the current state that they are now.  You taught me so much and I will forever be grateful for those lessons as they allowed me to break out of my shell and make friends with so many others that I would never have done if it wasn't for you initially.  I am sorry to all of those who left me in my prior state and one day hope you can get to meet the man who is typing this right now.  

I've spent a lot of time with some other friends more recently due to horrendous circumstances that I will not divulge as it is not my place to do so.  The events I witnessed were tragic and would crush anybody so I am happy that in your trying times, you counted on me to lean on.  I love you brother and I always got you, just like I know you would do for me.  

Overall, my friends are fucking awesome! I love each and every one of you and thank you for rocking with me this far, and I promise you we goin' places!!

LOVE LIFE:

Ha, not much has changed here since the last time.  It's obviously tough dating during a pandemic so we'll use that as my excuse.  I mean I've went on a few dates, talked to a few others, nothing really came about.  Let's see here.  I went out with one particular girl 2 or 3 times, spoke most days, I thought it was something but nope got ghosted.  I met a nice girl through a mutual friend, we talked a few times, discussed going out sometime, but nope got ghosted.  I met a girl online, banged her, didn't really like her but I didn't ghost her, I told her I wasn't really feeling it and let her know.  You can repeat this sentence quite a few times over the course of the past year.  I'm not too proud of it and again, slipping up and resorting to meaningless sex, isn't always my best bet and I usually regret it in the morning, but as I've said countless times, this is a learning process for me so I'm trying to do better.  J Lash still likes to make his appearance be known every once in a while and I hate that asshole.

(sidenote: I tend to refer to myself as 3 different personalities and they always fight to be the dominant one. James- hard worker, caring, professional, good friend, the personality that I want to be most.                    Jimmy- child like, plays with toys and watches cartoons, gets distracted by bubbles.                                        J Lash- the wildcard, parties like Charlie Sheen, sex, drugs, & rock 'n roll)

For so long, I longed to be "normal." I felt as if at my age, I needed a wife and kids, there had to be something wrong with me as I couldn't even find a girlfriend, hell I can't even find a girl that doesn't grow tired of me after a month or so, or one that I like for longer than a night or two.  I also, as an only child, put the pressure on myself that if I never have kids, my family tree withers out with me.  I have come to accept that I probably never will have a wife or children and sadly, I'm ok with that.  This used to trigger my loneliness and I lived by the quote from Michael Scott. 

                       "I want to get married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends                                                                   and no one can say no to being my friend."

I'm ready for whatever life gives me now so maybe the whole family thing might never happen for me and as you read earlier, my family life ain't exactly that great so maybe that's a good thing for all of the world.

WORK:

Well, after a 6 month furlough, I did return to work with my previous employer.  I was so excited to get back to some sense of normalcy during all of this craziness, however what I went back to due to the nature of the pandemic obviously wasn't what I left.  My role kept changing with the times due to coverage and closures due to the government.  I was just happy to be back to work so I rolled with until everybody's favorite beer salesman transitioned into everybody's favorite juice man! I'm currently taking on a project with my company and am doing something completely brand new in this field.  I am busting my ass to help this product grow.  I finally know what this "busy" is everybody is always talking about.  Some days I start at 7 am and don't get home til 9 pm.  I am putting in hours like I never have before, and there are times that my old attitude does show up.  If any of my bosses are reading this I do apologize for the times that I let it slip.  I am very passionate and sometimes hanging on by a thread so I believe it is understandable that I grow frustrated when I'm working harder than I ever have but find myself making less money.  Patience is the key and sometimes I lose that.  I need to trust the process and continue to do what I know only I can do.  Trust the process, I believe as we grow everything will work itself out, but I do slip up and look for that instant gratification from time to time and let the situation get the best of me.  The truth is, I do enjoy the work and for the first time in my life, I actually want more.  This is the first job I have ever had that I actually want to be at, I want to be somebody, I want to prove my worth, I want to show my gratitude for keeping me on health insurance during this furlough when I need therapy more than ever, I want more.  Before I was content with being the best salesman and no more.  I could outsell all my coworkers without breaking a sweat and be at the bar 3 hours before my promotional event began. Now, big boy is hungry! I want to be the best I can be.  I don't mind working the long hours and going home knowing that I put my stamp on the day and kicked ass.  I want more in all aspects of life and I am no longer content just being.  Most jobs, like most things in my life, when times got tough, I gave up and left.  My current job is actually the longest I ever stayed at one particular job and I don't plan on leaving.  I do get impatient when bills are piling up and my living situation is still not ideal and I mean who doesn't want more money? I also complain about money but then go out and buy a $300 CB Radio for my jeep but retail therapy is a form of therapy, correct? I do love my job and want to do the best I can though.  I needed to get done at a normal hour today so I could do my reflecting on this day so as hard as it was for me to do so, I asked for help, and I actually got it.  I needed that shit and believe me it's much, much appreciated as I needed to write this today and I am glad that I am doing so.  Writing is really freeing to me and I've lost track of that but all for good reason as I am putting in time at work like I never have before and forgot how good it feels to bust your ass and make sure each day has your stamp on it.  I do need to sometimes take a step back and breathe when I am flustered and I am working on that but believe again, I have came a super long way from the way I was prior to furlough.  

ADDICTION:

Hi.  My name is James and I am an alcoholic.

Do I drink too much? Absolutely.  Do I black out and get lost on St. Patty's Day weekend? Absolutely.  Do I still drink alone with the lights off pissed off at the world and want to kill myself? Absolutely not.

I do drink too much, but now I do only drink in a social setting around others.  Honestly, I will probably never quit drinking but I have learned to control it.  There are now days where I do not drink nor want to drink.  I used to drink 7 days a week so cutting back to 3 or 4 days a week is a huge improvement for me.  Baby steps, y'all, baby steps.  In all seriousness, I do drink a lot but its because I want to while with friends, no longer is it the only way I can fall asleep at night.  I used to drink a case and a fifth by myself just so I could go to bed but as I progressed and became an old man, there's Friday nights I go to bed at 9:00 stone cold sober.  I get drunk because I want to get drunk, mostly nowadays in a celebratory occasion and not that of a pissed off alcoholic mad at the world.  I've made strides and I'm ok with the balance that I hit.

I've tried to quit smoking more times than I can count and it's the hardest thing I ever done.  I've failed time and time again.  One day I will quit, but not just yet.  It's just a habit now and not because I don't give a fuck about my life.  So again, strides.

I do dabble with some other recreational usage, but nothing really to note and only on holidays! Actually haven't done anything besides a little puff here or there since the new year.  Or maybe St. Patty's Day but again I was blacked out so we will blame J Lash for that one.  

Last but not least, my biggest addiction is to getting better.  I love who I am becoming and will continue to put in the time and effort to do so.  This shit ain't easy.  Everyday gets a little easier, but I do need tending to daily.  As the weather cooperates, I can't wait to get back on my bike, back on the hiking trails, and explore parts of the city I never knew existed.  I can't wait to drop this winter weight that I put back on after losing close to 30 pounds last summer.  I'm addicted to being the best possible version of me.

CONCLUSION:

Well, that was longer than I expected.  I think I pretty much said everything that I had on my mind.  I thought about what I was going to write for a few days now and hopefully I covered it all, if not I have something for next time.  As much as Covid sucks major ass, the time it had given me to focus on myself has been irreplaceable.  Without it, I don't know where I would be at this time.  I might have still been living as I was, grabbing at my nuts screaming "Fuck the world" or I might be dead.  Who knows?  I am honestly grateful for every person that reads this far, everybody who I have the privilege of calling a friend, I am just grateful to be alive.  I love my life and wished it didn't take me so long to get to that point, but I have to believe everything I have done in my past has led me here.

Last but not least, mental health really does matter.  So if you need help, talk to somebody, it doesn't have to be a therapist, just somebody you can feel comfortable with.  I was super lucky to have two people who I consider to be great friends now involved in the field and not only pointed me in the right direction but convinced me to go in that direction.  I seriously do love both of you.  Thank you!